Author: Steve Antipolo

Let’s get this totally clear … we already know where we have been in life but we certainly don’t know where our life is heading.

The trouble here is, we spend so much time worrying about where we are going we tend to forget where we have been. When we choose to remember we then tend to cloud it with our negativity to where we think we might be going. We focus on the bad things which have happened in our life as though that is somehow the sum of our lives this far … is it really?

We may have an ex we would rather forget but, does that mean we have to forget all the good times we had with them? Perhaps someone died and it hurts so we try not to think about them but … that thinking is what makes our love for them real, what keeps the memories alive.

Some people go as far as to use their bad experiences as an excuse for why their life is going to be bad. Hey, you choose your path now, no one else is in the driving seat. Only if you allow the bad memories to dominate can they dictate your future. So, perhaps everyone so far ‘always’ says “no” so we don’t ask any more. What is that except an excuse which denies your future the right to hear “yes”?

Sure, we are going to get negativity thrown at us throughout our lives, illness, disappointment and bad luck. Learn from it, don’t let it define you. Brush yourself off and remind yourself, you have people who love you, you are worth something!

I was just listening to the radio and they were discussing the human ability to lie to ourselves, to honestly believe we are honourable people who never lie yet continually have one part of ourselves convince another part of something which is actually untrue.

How many of us are shocked when we see a picture of ourselves?

This is because when we look in a mirror we have already convinced ourselves what we look like so, more or less, that’s what we see. In those nano seconds before getting the image we already converted it. In the picture we seldom get that warning and see the reality which can come as quite a shock!

How about our voice?

Isn’t it amazing how often you hear your own voice and barely recognise yourself or even go as far as to blame the equipment for in incorrect capture of our voice?

Both these examples are the same thing, the perception we have of ourselves are the one we have convinced ourselves to be true. Reality often comes as quite a shock. Whether that is pleasant or not depends on the individual.

The point here is, we don’t even recognise our own differences with accuracy. OK, part of us does which then lies to the other part to create the false perception. This being the case, how accurately can we judge others?

We know there are laws which allegedly force us to acknowledge diversity and actively move toward embracing it but, if we can lie to ourselves about our own differences, how can we look at a job candidate and not do the same thing?

It has been proven that taller men are far more likely to get hired and promoted than shorter men. It’s not intentional, we just lean that way without realising it, it’s inbuilt to do so. Attractive people are more likely also to get on easier in life than the less physically gifted.

Women too are different to men in their perceptions. A man will perceive size and age as a strength, even a threat (and as such, worthy of positive opinion), woman will value other women similar to themselves and see any taller or shorter as ‘too different’. None of this we realise doing.

Many older very qualified people will be overlooked for younger people and this is reflected in the age of the interviewer too. What we do not realise is that for the first several decades of our life, age difference matters, we don’t realise this to be true but it is. Our 5 year old may insist on being 5 3/4 because such a differential between them and ‘just’ a 5 year old is important. They don’t know why it is important but it is. To a 10 year old, without any reasoning at all, 20 in ancient, to a 20 year old, 40 is ancient and so on. None of this is considered, there is not real reasoning, it is just how we’re programmed.

A company might try and employer an equal number of men and women and achieve that but, in so doing, they will still go for the subconscious preference. Instead of diversity, what they actually have is a company full of the same kind of people. This is all the more the case when it comes to a single position rather than hiring a group … let me explain. If a recruiter is interviewing for one role and they get it wrong, that’s their head on the block. If they interview for 10 and 2 of them go rogue, that’s down to natural selection, normal statistical probability. Therefore, the recruiter is going to play it safe when looking for just one person and edge toward the familiar.

An example you can understand.

Magically I am giving you a budget to buy one car. This will be your only car and you have children … I can tell you that you are going for the compromise vehicle, it ticks all the boxes, not perfectly but you will be happy with your choice albeit that it really isn’t as sporty as you might like, isn’t as fast, is more economical and so on.

Let’s try this, I’ll double your budget, you can get two cars …. what do you get? Two identical cars to the first one because it was such a good choice or, one being the reliable MPV and the other being the two seater sports car? Of course you don’t get your first choice at all because, in reality, that wasn’t the choice you wanted, it was the safe choice.

In the real world of employment we know that this means employees are mainly chosen for their lack of difference, not their diversity at all. If this were not true, every company we entered would have a far broader range of employees than they actually do.

Sure, over time differences appear as people naturally change. All those people who looked much the same a decade earlier now look quite different. Some will have gained weight, some will be more stressed or whatever way they have changed but this is an accident, the employer will still be replacing those who leave with the same familiar and safe sort of person.

Not all companies do this, of course they don’t. There are exceptions to this rule, Google for example! Those which do unintentionally discriminate are losing out on a certain type of difference. They are lacking the differences which make us humans better to more broadly relate as individuals to other humans.

It’s a very complex subject and as psychology fascinates me, I thought I’d engage with it.

Depression is something so many people do not comprehend. Truth be known, many who suffer from it don’t understand it either.

Every Invisible illnesses such as depression is hard to appreciate for anyone who has not suffered. It is too easy to dismiss them as trivial or laziness because, people identify with what they see, not what they don’t

Possibly we are programmed to automatically reject such things as weakness in a society still comparatively young in an evolutionary sense. Many suffering with mental health conditions will certainly tell you that they feel very weak whilst suffering as though they are letting the side down.

Rarely does someone fully embrace a family member, colleague or friend and treat them how they need to be treated. Sadly, ‘pull yourself together’ is still a thing. Trust me, if pulling themselves together was a thing they would do it instantly. Why would anyone want to feel they are worthless, that their life is devoid of meaning?

Everyone who has suffered from depression can tell you, it’s the beast which never goes away. It can, to an extent, be controlled but it is always there lurking somewhere waiting for a time to attack again. If the attack only comes when it makes sense then it would be so much easier to avoid. Sure, there may be a trigger, something very difficult to deal with might be happening in life but, this is not always the case which adds even further to that feeling of utter uselessness. How can someone feel so utterly awful when everyone who knows them can clearly see their life is fine?

Society needs to change and understand that this is not a world of make believe and fantasy to avoid work, to avoid being sociable. To the sufferer this is as real as a broken bone or life threatening disease. To go to bed at night and pray that they don’t wake up isn’t a joke they play on their family or friends, it’s a very real feeling of needing release.

Stereotypes are another major hurdle when understanding depression. We see pictures of depressed people with their heads in their hands looking glum but this is rarely the reality. There are seldom better actors than those with depression. Happy, smiling faces, the life of a party, the rock everyone else turns to when they are in need. They are the more likely descriptions of someone who has depression. Look for your friends, family or colleagues who are showing some over the top behaviour patterns, who always seem to be bright and breezy when the weather is gray, especially think of that friend you have who you know is stronger than anyone else you know, they always bounce back no matter what hits them. They may be coping but, they might also be on the brink. Ask them how they really feel, at least twice and listen, really listen.

I am one who has suffered from depression on and off most of my life. I can remember as a child feeling terribly depressed. Crying my eyes out because my parents wouldn’t go visit relatives when I needed to get out of the house. Very reclusive not wanting to make friends, socially totally inadequate because, I was certain that I wasn’t normal, I wasn’t good enough for normal people, no one really liked me. I coped and hid it and it did not rule my life again until my mid to late 20’s. Married, 4 kids, two special needs, mum not long died. I lost my ability to cope. I went two years on medication in my very early 30’s before I learnt how to regain control of it. At this point, still so few understood, many would ever even know. I would say, perhaps two people offered me anything like understanding and support whilst so many others were telling me to sort myself out, to man up.

Only those suffering really know how they feel, trust them. Don’t question them and tell them it’s all in their head, of course it is! They know that, it is, to them, painfully obvious! They know all the amazing things they have to live for, they know that some day it will be better, that this feeling will pass but, not now, not today. What they need is for you to listen and believe them, this is very real, they need you. You need to be strong. If you don’t want to deal with it, tell them so, walk away, don’t pretend to care. They will at least respect your honesty. Sufferers know when someone is faking it.

Now you have read just a little about depression, ask yourself, if you suddenly developed a condition that was invisible, how would you want others to react?