Category: My Thoughts

Everything which isn’t specifically related to one subject

Posted on

Neither a borrower nor a lender be

“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan doth oft lose both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.” Hamlet. … In this line from Hamlet, Polonius gives his son Laertes advice on managing money. He starts off by telling him never to lend or borrow money from friends.

It is very good advice as I have found, to my cost, over the years.

I have lost friends who I loaned money they didn’t repay, sometimes £100’s and, in one case £1000’s.

Being owed money which doesn’t get repaid sucks big time

Do you know, if all the money I was owed were repaid tomorrow (just what I can remember) I would be nearly £10,000 better off, that’s amazing isn’t it?

Of course, I do lend money which gets repaid but, somehow I still get stressed as I rarely seem to know my financial worth.

Just now, a friend who hit rough times borrowed £350 from me. I actually paid him £250 for work he did on the basis that he was actually just doing me a favour. I did him a very similar favour in the same period but, he suddenly expected paying so I paid him. A few weeks later he used the money I loaned him to pay bills and groceries as a down payment on a new car. Same guy reads but doesn’t respond to messages, effectively, in modern terms, I have been ghosted, I no longer exist to him.

I am a victim of Gypsy scammers too. I engaged them to do a job for me, they took me for a few £1000. I took them to court, I won, they have a county court judgement against them but, of course, I will never see my money again.

Covid too has cost me. I now have solicitors fighting my case to get over £1300 back from Philippines Airlines who have owed me this money for the best part of a year now. I doubt I will see that again either.

I borrowed money myself, from a bank and credit card. I owe more than I can ever repay. Not all on luxuries, it started with a person who took me for another 4 figure sum. Then it was all the legal government theft to get the visas for Dennis, that cost me way over £10k so far, the money had to come from somewhere.

I’ve not had any proper break away for years and my health is in decline and I am stressing I don’t yet have enough to pay for next years round of visas, I’ll need over £4000 for those and then, finally, Dennis will be a joint UK/Philippines citizen and … I’ll be broke.

Posted on

Memory Tracks

Over the years I have noticed that some music in my life has developed a trigger for memory. Occasionally I’d hear one and I’d be straight back there remembering the past. Here is a selection of 50+ I have put together though there are many more I can think of

Fantasmic! from DIsneyland and Walt Disney World

This one is very simple, it reminds me of my DIsney trips and one of the most impressive shows I have seen

Flying There from ET

This is the movie I think I watched more than any other. It was the first movie to hold the title for the one which got me emotional with and, it was the first movie that I made out with

Crossing the Marigold Bridge from ‘Coco’

This should be ‘Remember me’ but I still cannot listen to that without tears in my eyes. The movie reminds me of all those I have lost over the years

Hogwarts Forever!

Obviously the movie but also the great time I spent with Robin at Universal Studios Florida and the hysterics of Robin squeezing into one of the rides

One Day More

From the play (and movie) ‘Les Miserables’. Reminds me of the shows and the movie. Watching that for the first time with my friend ‘Don’ probably the last time we were together. Also the moment when the song ‘On My Own’ is played which reminds me of the two times in my life when I fell desperately in love with guys and it was not returned and all the associated pain of that experience.

Rocket Man

Most recently from the movie which I very much enjoyed but also of me being a kid playing with my model cars

Main Theme (Galaxy Quest)

My go to cheer me up movie, always makes me smile and got me through some bad times

Giza 1928 … theme from Stargate

One of my all time favourite TV series

Finale of Nunsense

Robin had been mentioning the show for years and when we both visited Florida in 2011 I finally got to see a version of it which was awesome … plus, because of Robin I noticed a poster for it when I went to Brighton Pride so, it very strongly reminds me of that as well

Finale to ‘Oliver’

I remember being fascinated by it when I went to see it on release in Barking as a kid. This was back in the day when movie visitors bought a program to go with the movie and I even remember that as well. I was so curious how they had made it, how they made everything look so old.

Of course, years later I also discovered my friend Robin appeared in it which gives it added appeal

Overture to ‘The Producers’

Again one of my favourite musicals and I finally got to see it a few years ago in London with Robin. It was incredibly hot and Nathan Lane (lead) stopped the show to comment just how damn hot it was on the stage!

Jurassic Park Main Theme

Again, the memory of the movie which brought dinosaurs to life for me, a childhood fantasy to see a wold with actual dinosaurs. I am not so keen having see the results!

A few times in Florida I went to the Jurassic Park area of Universal either with others or on my own. On one occasion having a private session with a triceratops in its enclosure, very special

Forrest Gump theme

By now you must be sensing a theme!

So many triggers here. From visiting Savannah in 2004 with my friend Danny and his late father, lovely man.

From visiting ‘Bubba Gumps’ in New York city with Daisy & Adam, going to the London venue with the family and one of the first outings for Dennis in the UK, going to one of the restaurants in Las Vegas, so many happy memories

Back to the Future theme

The movies obviously but also the times I have seen one of the Delorean cars from the movie and also when I went to the location of ‘Twin Pines Mall’ near LA and then, got distracted by a buffet restaurant and totally forgot to do any pictures …. it was a great meal though.

Pirates of the Caribbean theme

The time on the ‘Pride of Bilbao’ a ferry from Bilbao in Spain to Portsmouth. Poor Daisy was very seasick and we watched the movie in the onboard cinema on rough seas with more and more people leaving to puke

The Avenue Q theme

Have seen the show several times and especially with the family watching them laughing hard was amazing

Suite from Mulan

Particularly of a trip to Disneyland Paris when they did a show with acrobats and other Chinese themes and also the Mulan parade with was just lovely. This is also Daisy’s favourite Disney movie

Hooray for Hollywood

The music I chose as the backing for the home movie segment where I drove from Atlanta to Orlando in a Chrysler Sebring which made me fall in love with the car which I would go on to own and all the memories associated with that.

Stars

Another track from Les Miserables which always gets Robin emotional and so reminds me of him and many of the fun times we’ve had together over the decades

Love in an Elavator

One of the songs used on my favourite coaster, Rock n Roller coaster by Aerosmith and the time with Anne when she plucked up the courage to ride because I told her how awesome it was with the music to discover they didn’t have the music working

Love of my life, Jim Brickman

One of the first songs Dennis told me he liked and I’d never heard it so I played it loads reminding me of him

Tonight Tonight – Hot Chelle Ray

I was playing this song whilst driving through LA the first time I saw the Hollywood sign just as they mentioned it in the song

Gangnam Style

The song of 2012 and Daisy & Adam doing their version of the dance in the hotel in New Jersey, so much fun to watch

He aint heavy, he’s my brother

Reminds me of the bond shared between Matt & Jermaine when they were little. Very touching when I recall how they were together

Thnks fr th mmrs

A song I used as backing for part of our most awesome 2007 holiday to Gran Canaria but also a reminder of the time when Zoey was locked up in a mental hospital and me and Anne went to Wembley to watch Fall Out Boy

Lollipop

Also a backing track for the 2007 holiday but also a song playing a lot during a great trip I did to Suffolk with Javis and Tyler

One Call Away

Being part of a Karaoke session in CDO Philippines of aunt Nene who sadly past away. It was just lovely to see Dennis and the kids singing away with no inhibitions 

Swan Lake

My first ever ballet and it was just so magical. It was also the sound that mums musical box played. I wish I had got to keep that but it was one of the great many keepsakes that others in the family took from her home 

Climb Every Mountain

One of mums favourite tunes and movies and one which was played at her cremation

Summer Holiday

Another 2007 holiday track but also one which reminds me of a holiday in 1969 I think it was to the Isle of Wight where my granddad died

Team

I’d never heard of the newly released song in 2014 when Jimmy Kimmel had it on his radio show for a lyric quiz whilst I was on the coast road from LA to San Diego

Yo Ho A Parates Life

All the time I’ve been on the ride with various if not all the people I care about at the parks around the world

Grim Grinning Ghosts

For exactly the same reasons as the Pirates ride though, I still need to take Dennis on it as they don’t have the same ride in Hong Kong

Halloween Halloween

From 1999 when I did a holiday with Kris, one of our last together. Very late nights at Disneyland Paris and an awesome fireworks display from the balcony of Phantom Manor which we went on at midnight

I’ll leave it there as many of the remaining tracks are for much the same reason and Disney related … Disney does hold so many happy memories for me. 

Posted on

Sexuality

I grew up ‘conditioned’ to be heterosexual.

It wasn’t enforced, I didn’t get put into a chair and made to accept heterosexuality on pain of death, that wasn’t how it was, it never is but, today it is still happening to kids in most homes and so few realise it.

Let me get you started on the road to discovery of what not to do with your children.

If your son or daughter of any age is spending time with someone of the same sex or, has them as a contact on their phone … do not presume they are just friends but, keep your thoughts to yourself because it is their business. If they are spending time with someone of the opposite sex or have them as a contact, you may think they’re perhaps, you know, nudge nudge, wink wink, potentially dating but, again, keep your opinions to yourself, it’s not your business.

Do not say:

“When you grow up and have kids of your own”

You don’t know that, it might not be their future to do that for all sort of reasons, sexuality being one of them.

Just think before you speak. You do not have the right to make assumptions about who they will love, what is normal for them. So, let them grow up and embrace their unique life whatever that is.

By all means, do teach about protection whether they are gay or straight, this is important but, not just in the context of, condoms stop babies. Properly explain it, condoms can save life as well as not create them.

I really just need you to think.

It was hell for me, so much pressure to be someone I wasn’t, messed up the first few decades of my life.

I am sorted now but, I was entitled to be me without prejudice regardless of how well intentioned.

Posted on

Grief

God knows I’ve lost enough people now and each one has made me feel different. Not only different after the event but also, different to how I expected to feel.

I was a child with my first two grandparents, I don’t recall feeling anything. They were there and then they were not there. Back then we never went to funerals, it wasn’t the done thing for children to go to a relatives funeral unless it was unavoidable so, quite literally, they were just ‘gone’ and it didn’t resonate with me. Likewise, even into early adulthood, older relatives, great aunts and uncles were here then gone and my life didn’t change at all, I felt no different.

At 23 I lost my mum, that was my first experience of grief yet, shared grief was all but denied me. Had I not been married at the time and not had such great inlaws, it was quite clear my grief was dictated by what others felt was appropriate. My own family held the attitude that any outward sign of grief was an unacceptable sign of weakness. They showed none themselves and expected the same from me. For me, bottling up that level of grief was not possible. As time went on I realised that I did have the freedom to grieve my own way. Because no one in my circle knew mum close enough to acknowledge the anniversary or her birthday, I was left to it to grieve my own way. Sadly, with mum, there was no grief at the funeral which got caught up in a family feud I was not party to but got heavily affected by. I was stuck with the wrong side of the family, the side who were not grieving but rather going through the emotions or there to cover their own guilt. Part of me, even to this day, missed that opportunity to really have a day to say goodbye properly.

Now, my nan, mum’s mum and my last grandparent died a few years later and I had been so close to her my entire life and yet, when she died and at her funeral and ever since, I’ve felt nothing. I know when she died but that is only because it was January 1st, an easy date to remember and I know the year or 1988 because it was between Jermaine & Matt’s birth years of ’87 & ’88. I just don’t even think about it at New Years or on her birthday in March which I am not even sure was the 11th or 12th.

The next one to hit me was my friend Tony. I was so close to him, I really loved that man and he went so suddenly and for an age afterwards I would randomly cry but, I couldn’t tell you what month or year he died without working it out and I’d not want to do anything to ‘remember’ him.

Next was Sean’s mum Clare. Again, I cannot tell without working out when she died but I do very often think about her and miss her personality in my life. Again, it’s not me to want to do a remembrance gathering each year. I feel funerals are the time for that and from then on, we grieve our own way.

A couple years ago Dad went. He’d had dementia for a while so effectively went a few years earlier but, in many ways, it was nice to get to know him when he didn’t have the opinions of his past life to cloud his actions. He got to know me a little and, perhaps, even liked me a bit and it is that part of him I do miss not the part before his dementia where, generally speaking, he was quite horrible.

Following that event was my ex mother in law Kay who I always considered since 1985 to be ‘mum’ and she effectively took over when my mum died in 1986. As this happened during Covid restrictions it was a very small funeral. No one from her extended family came, not even her husband. It was just my ex Kris, her daughter and three of our children with just a neighbour. It was, as much as these things can be, a lovely day.

As much as we can do this taken into account the feelings of others, we really need to grieve (or not) our way. If we want to do something special on a birthday or anniversary of death but no one else wants to, that is fine, we should accept it graciously. If we are invited to a memorial and really, don’t feel it, we should politely decline and not feel bad about that.

Grief is too complex to grieve someone else’s way, we’ve got to stay true to ourselves. As I said earlier, there are some events where I’d prefer not to be alone like Mum’s death, hell, I even arranged a civil partnership on her death anniversary to ensure I wasn’t alone that day and then, that relationship didn’t work out so now I dislike the day all the more. I’d prefer not to be alone but, also as I said, no one alive now knew her, certainly no one who ever showed they cared before so, to ask anyone to join me would be pointless. When I can I try to arrange a social event around the time. Only I really know why but I get the comfort all the same, I’d never sell it as what it is to me, I don’t want anyone there being morbid or going over the life of my mum, again, they never knew her anyway.

So, the purpose of this blog entry is to share only my feelings on this, it would be wrong to read anything as an instruction to others, the whole point is to do it personally.

To all those feelings we have of all those who we lost and it hurt, my sympathies and understanding, always.