Finally I think I have got to a place where the new incarnation of ‘Outmedia’ is ready for the world and, if ‘the world’ means just me, then that’s fine!
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
I tried working, had a job just 20 hours a week, an easy job for me, a breeze but … I kept sleeping or, if I didn’t, I stopped functioning, I couldn’t remember what I was doing, it was pure and simple, unworkable and unfair on my colleagues. It made me feel totally useless to give that up but I am a logical person, if I didn’t then that job was the only thing I did each day and I couldn’t do it well, hell, I couldn’t even do it at all truth be known. If I stayed there then my lovely husband would not only work full time but would also be running the house and taking care of me.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
When I go for a nap it is because I just as well be comfortable, not sleeping isn’t an option. It’s not like I wake up feeling refreshed, I don’t but I am able to function a little more than before for a while until it hits me again.
How soon in the day does this process start? Sometimes, rarely, I get up to an hour to do stuff and likely complete tasks. Most days I get around 30 minutes, some days I don’t get any time at all. I choose between a nice long shower and hair wash or chores around the house because I won’t have the energy for both.
I tried working, had a job just 20 hours a week, an easy job for me, a breeze but … I kept sleeping or, if I didn’t, I stopped functioning, I couldn’t remember what I was doing, it was pure and simple, unworkable and unfair on my colleagues. It made me feel totally useless to give that up but I am a logical person, if I didn’t then that job was the only thing I did each day and I couldn’t do it well, hell, I couldn’t even do it at all truth be known. If I stayed there then my lovely husband would not only work full time but would also be running the house and taking care of me.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
I’ll start heading to the toilet and forget where I was going and go somewhere else. I’ll walk several times toward the kitchen to do a meal and never get there. Quite likely I’ll go there to take my meds and totally forget my meds when I get there … at least I can tell now when I have forgotten them!
When I go for a nap it is because I just as well be comfortable, not sleeping isn’t an option. It’s not like I wake up feeling refreshed, I don’t but I am able to function a little more than before for a while until it hits me again.
How soon in the day does this process start? Sometimes, rarely, I get up to an hour to do stuff and likely complete tasks. Most days I get around 30 minutes, some days I don’t get any time at all. I choose between a nice long shower and hair wash or chores around the house because I won’t have the energy for both.
I tried working, had a job just 20 hours a week, an easy job for me, a breeze but … I kept sleeping or, if I didn’t, I stopped functioning, I couldn’t remember what I was doing, it was pure and simple, unworkable and unfair on my colleagues. It made me feel totally useless to give that up but I am a logical person, if I didn’t then that job was the only thing I did each day and I couldn’t do it well, hell, I couldn’t even do it at all truth be known. If I stayed there then my lovely husband would not only work full time but would also be running the house and taking care of me.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
Look, this M.E./CFS thing doesn’t come with choices so that you know. I don’t just think to myself that I feel a little sleepy so I’ll snuggle in for a nice nap, that doesn’t happen.
I get to a point, way beyond tiredness during every day when I stop functioning on any sort of normal level. I struggle to make a cup of tea, I can’t remember what I am doing, two cups of tea and you’d think it was a Krypton Factor test!
I’ll start heading to the toilet and forget where I was going and go somewhere else. I’ll walk several times toward the kitchen to do a meal and never get there. Quite likely I’ll go there to take my meds and totally forget my meds when I get there … at least I can tell now when I have forgotten them!
When I go for a nap it is because I just as well be comfortable, not sleeping isn’t an option. It’s not like I wake up feeling refreshed, I don’t but I am able to function a little more than before for a while until it hits me again.
How soon in the day does this process start? Sometimes, rarely, I get up to an hour to do stuff and likely complete tasks. Most days I get around 30 minutes, some days I don’t get any time at all. I choose between a nice long shower and hair wash or chores around the house because I won’t have the energy for both.
I tried working, had a job just 20 hours a week, an easy job for me, a breeze but … I kept sleeping or, if I didn’t, I stopped functioning, I couldn’t remember what I was doing, it was pure and simple, unworkable and unfair on my colleagues. It made me feel totally useless to give that up but I am a logical person, if I didn’t then that job was the only thing I did each day and I couldn’t do it well, hell, I couldn’t even do it at all truth be known. If I stayed there then my lovely husband would not only work full time but would also be running the house and taking care of me.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
Look, this M.E./CFS thing doesn’t come with choices so that you know. I don’t just think to myself that I feel a little sleepy so I’ll snuggle in for a nice nap, that doesn’t happen.
I get to a point, way beyond tiredness during every day when I stop functioning on any sort of normal level. I struggle to make a cup of tea, I can’t remember what I am doing, two cups of tea and you’d think it was a Krypton Factor test!
I’ll start heading to the toilet and forget where I was going and go somewhere else. I’ll walk several times toward the kitchen to do a meal and never get there. Quite likely I’ll go there to take my meds and totally forget my meds when I get there … at least I can tell now when I have forgotten them!
When I go for a nap it is because I just as well be comfortable, not sleeping isn’t an option. It’s not like I wake up feeling refreshed, I don’t but I am able to function a little more than before for a while until it hits me again.
How soon in the day does this process start? Sometimes, rarely, I get up to an hour to do stuff and likely complete tasks. Most days I get around 30 minutes, some days I don’t get any time at all. I choose between a nice long shower and hair wash or chores around the house because I won’t have the energy for both.
I tried working, had a job just 20 hours a week, an easy job for me, a breeze but … I kept sleeping or, if I didn’t, I stopped functioning, I couldn’t remember what I was doing, it was pure and simple, unworkable and unfair on my colleagues. It made me feel totally useless to give that up but I am a logical person, if I didn’t then that job was the only thing I did each day and I couldn’t do it well, hell, I couldn’t even do it at all truth be known. If I stayed there then my lovely husband would not only work full time but would also be running the house and taking care of me.
Some days I push myself through it, it’s not a freebie to do that, the following day I am out of the game, it’s a one shot wonder. People may see me doing stuff and think to themselves that I am obviously so much more capable than I let on … they don’t see me later that day or the next.
So, it’s basically just physically that I can’t cope? Sadly not. spending some time thinking or being sociable can have the same effect as doing some housework.
It’s like when our phone is on 20%, we know we can probably make it last the rest of the day as long as we limit how we use it but if we do push it until the battery is dead then it’s dead. It’s not able to be persuaded to do just a little more, just one more call. The battery is dead and that’s that. Then imagine that the phone is actually a few years old so the battery is actually quite crap anyway .. even fully charged it’s like it is just on 60% and this is at it’s best. If we pace the use it’ll be fine but, watch some videos and it is going to lose power very quickly. The battery is so awful that every day is like this. It doesn’t get better, every day we have to ration how we use it or eventually even the basic functions will be beyond it. The advantage with a phone is that we can buy a new one, that isn’t possible when it is our own health.
Each day I make choices, do this or do that. Some days I get it totally wrong and run out of functioning ability before I run out of things to do. Yesterday I got to the beyond not functioning stage around 3:45pm. I decided to go to bed but set my alarm for 5:30 to ensure I got up to prepare a meal for my husband when he returned. I never got up at 5:30 and he was upset and cooked his own meal … I’d set the alarm but for 5:30am! Did I mention not functioning?
Every time I let someone down I feel bad, I feel guilty and the knife making it worse is that those feelings then use energy and mean I can do even less!
I want to do that garden but it is totally beyond me, it would be dangerous. I have ended up in hospital before now nearly slicing my finger off because I wasn’t functioning enough. I look at the garden and it reminds me of how useless I am now.
Medical experts sometimes say the symptoms are a result of underlying depression, they’ve got it the wrong way around. Any depression comes from the inability to function, feeling far less than we used to be. I know I get fed up of that knowing look from people thinking that if I were to just get my depression sorted then I’d be cured!
I want my life back, it’s there in my memories, in my mind I wake up every day thinking I can do all those things but am quickly reminded I cannot. My days are way busier than I can actually manage and I feel awful just about all the time.
Are depression and anxiety the same thing because my doctor seems to think they are interchangable? Far from it, anxiety is arriving at the store and seeing it busy and having to decide whether I have enough left to deal with the thought processes involved with navigating other customers or if the scanning device isn’t working, can I find enough energy to join a queue and move my shopping around (no is generally the answer to that). I get anxious about such things. My heart races using up energy all the faster.
Depression is how I feel later with one more failed objective.
When I was a carer and a full time dad I didn’t have this, I’d manage on a few hours sleep and just deal with anything and everything, help others and be at the top of my game. Very active all of the time, always planning ahead and doing things. Going to the gym, swimming a mile a few times a week it was tough but I enjoyed it and felt my life was worthwhile and now I have to live with people telling me I am lazy and a scrounger, that I am the lowest of the low. People ask why they should have to fund my lifestyle choices?
I am done with justifying myself. I know I was an amazing person, I know I was good for other people and especially my family. I know that how I am now is not a choice. It’s a life of choices but not a choice of lifestyle!
It is so frustrating that people make judgements so quickly based on only what they know without thinking that there may be some things in life they are not experts on.
I know I have done good in my life. I know my life has been one a great many could not have coped with but I did and I am proud of that. I know that even now I do what I can for myself but mainly others, still putting them first despite myself. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any longer and I apologise if that offends the so called ‘experts’ but I know my life choices, based on my life realities have been the right ones. If this has meant some people in society have had to pick up the tab then I am thankful that I live in a country where we will do that.
Getting ill like this can happen to anyone. Getting worse than currently can too. It feels so illogical that others make judgements like they are experts on their own future whereas none of us can be! None of us know when our own personal shit is going to hit the fan and we need the support of others. When it happens, we should never be made to feel guilty.
I never want anyone to say “there, there” because that doesn’t help, just don’t put me down and expect that justification.
Choices, be very thankful everyone for the freedom to make them but never take for granted that your bag of choices will always be full.
Is it safe to have sex with someone who is HIV+? It can be, it is certainly totally OK to have a relationship with them and love them totally.
It has to be remembered that everyone who is HIV+ got that way because they didn’t take precautions. Sure, some just didn’t care, they fucked whoever they wanted to hell with the consequences, that’s a reality, both men and women.
I’ve never told anyone this before but, the very first time a guy fucked me (when I was drunk and sleeping), he didn’t use anything. He didn’t know his status, he didn’t care what his status was. By the time I was aware what was happening it was too late. Truth is, I was raped yet I did nothing about it because he was my friend, I trusted him and I was stupidly naive. I did get myself tested and I was OK but, he didn’t know that, he didn’t care. I could easily have been HIV+ myself now because I trusted someone.
I was later in another relationship, it was an open relationship but we had rules, no sex which involved anything which had risk. That time I got an STD from my partner, he trusted someone, I trusted him, I don’t blame him for it, he made a mistake, he learned something.
In a committed relationship I had unprotected sex again, quite a while into the relationship he admitted to me he’d not been tested, he’d never mentioned it before, I assumed this was the case. I knew my status, I knew I was clear. Again, he learnt a lesson and so did I, don’t blindly trust!
Had I become HIV+ I may well have been rejected by people, blamed for my condition but, it isn’t fair to do that. Women have become HIV+ because they trusted a man. Men have become HIV+ because they trusted a woman. I am glad this man was caught and sentenced. To knowingly infect someone is just sick. To allow someone to get infected because you personally don’t mind either way is sick.
I support my friends who are HIV+, so few deserve the illness. Still years later so little is known about it despite all the campaigns people still are either paranoid thinking they’ll get it from sharing a toilet to those who feel it’s impossible for them to get it because they only do ‘safe’ sex. Fortunately, being HIV+ is not the death sentence it was, men and women fortunate enough to get treatment are living good long lives. They are just as much deserving of love as anyone else.
Was I a saint? Am I claiming that I have always been a victim, never taken a risk? It looks like it for sure but, being brutally honest, I think I took stupid risks too, we must all take responsibility for our own actions. Sure, being raped was not my fault but I made other choices which could have put me at risk. I am proud to say to the best of my knowledge through regular testing I never put anyone else at risk, not that I could really justify the tests but I preferred to be 100% certain.
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