HWA

Chapter 2

I can’t believe my luck. There laying beside me is some kind of God, a dream guy and he wants me, at least, he says he does but how can he? We only just met yesterday, he could be some weirdo for all I know. But look at him, he looks shattered but so peaceful. Is he going to wake up and realise it has all been some terrible mistake, what do ‘I’ look like? Hell, I was lucky yesterday, I’d only just had my hair done and I’ve lost some weight recently but what if he had turned up a few weeks ago when I was fat and had long messy hair, hadn’t shaved … crikey this could have been different.

Dave turned to me and opened his eyes … “Steve, is that you? I had this really bad dream that this was somehow unreal, that none of what happened was how it was”

“Sorry Dave, I don’t get you, what do you mean, none of what happened? What happened?”

“Oh, ignore me, come here and hug me, today is going to be the start of something special, we are never going to be alone again”

I had to get my head around all of this, who was Dave, what did he mean about something happening? Why did he seem so familiar? There were so many questions but still that old adage rattled in my brain ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. This is weird, I am making a tea for Dave, I don’t even know if he likes tea, oh, what the hell, it’s only a drink, if he doesn’t like it I’ll make something else.

“Steve, you think to much, do you know that? I mean, thinking is good, it gets things done but too much about the wrong stuff and it’s destructive. It’s all well and good using that logical brain of yours but sometimes you just have to let things happen, does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I s’pose. Have I pissed you off in some way, I didn’t mean to, was I snoring or moving about too much last night? I was worried because he seemed to know so much about me and I don’t remember saying anything to upset him and that would be just my luck to finally find the man of my dreams and have no idea how I screwed up.

“What the hell, just listen to yourself, analysing stuff, worrying about what you may have done probably shitting bricks that I’m gonna walk outta here as quick as I came … hey, sorry about that by the way”

Dave laughed and I remembered the first time we had sex last night how he came almost straight away, he said I just ‘had the knack’ or something, probably just beginners luck! At least he has a sense of humour about it. Bloody hell, great looks, money and a sense of humour … if the guy has a brain as well I’ve died and gone to heaven!

The kids went off to school and I offered to buy Dave breakfast down town. He suggested the local garden centre instead, he seems to know a lot for an American fresh in the country … OK, let it go, gift horses and all that. I was just putting my jacket on when Dave headed for the door, picked up the car keys, put the door keys in the front of the door like I do and headed for the car!

“Erm, Dave … are you driving then?”

“Oh shit, sorry man, force of habit I guess, I’ll drive if you want?

“Probably best not, you’re not insured”. “Dave, about what you said earlier, I know it is probably nothing but you said earlier about something happening, tried to avoid it and you know, well, it’s bugging me, I’d like to know what made you visit me or my house or whatever it was that happened yesterday?”

“No, I don’t think … well, yes, actually I know you do want to know I am just not sure I can explain it in a way that don’t make me out to be just too weird. You like sci fi right? I know you are open to the idea of weird stuff but this is something else and I am scared, I mean, if I tell you, I mean, I don’t know what happened and even less why. If I tell you, what if it all falls apart, I go back to being, well … You!”

“Eh? Go back to being me? Yep, you’re right, that’s weird, what is, what do you mean? Look, just tell me something, if you tell me what you know, is that going to change anything, I mean, am I going to lose something from knowing? Will I be any worse of that maybe I was the day before yesterday, when I hadn’t met you?

“OK Steve, you’re right, I mean, why am I just not saying it, why am I nervous of telling you? When I tell you you’ll understand how stupid that sounds”

“Yeah, well, we are getting people staring at us just sitting in the car like this … not that I am complaining but maybe we should go somewhere or something, breakfast?”

“No, I’m not really hungry Steve, can we just get a coffee somewhere and like … talk? The garden centre is fine, it doesn’t get really crowded, just go there?”

“OK, Dave, you’re OK though? I didn’t know what to think. Dave was clearly wanting or needing me to know something but did I need to know? Could this be some sort of bollixed up CIA thing, I mean, they can be a bit weird the yanks but why me? Yeah, so they are going to send someone thousands of miles just to shag some obscure little middle-aged English guy with kids why exactly? Maybe they know something about me even I don’t know. That’d be weird … mind the speed camera, concentrate on that idiot pulling out of the turning … am I being groomed for something? Is it the kids they are after? Yeah, because they are going to send one of their agents over here to get close to the kids! Maybe he isn’t American after all? I am just assuming that from his accent, it’s not like we ever really spoke that much, I don’t really know that much about him, he could be from anywhere, just some drop dead gorgeous guy from just down the road that suddenly though to himself how wonderful this short twat with kids was and maybe he’d try his luck right? OK, scrub that idea, he’s not some weirdo from just down the road and he didn’t turn up yesterday by chance, there is something deeper here … bloody hell, he’s an angel, I am going to die and he’s here to collect me, that’d be right. Finally get some good luck and I get fucked. Er, didn’t mean that literally, but, typical … is it going to happen today, did it happen yesterday? Am I dead? No, I don’t feel dead … my breath went and for all the right reasons because Dave just put his hand on my leg, wow, he can do that again, if I am dead then this is heaven.

“You OK Steve, you went quiet there?”

“Sure, sorry Dave … prolly the sooner you tell me the better cos my brain is going overtime here, nothing you can tell me is as weird as I am imagining! You’re not an alien of something are you?”

“No, not an alien, not much better but not that … I’m you?”

“Er, I, I mean, what do you mean, you’re me? I just know I am me so how can you be me too?” He’s me? Here I was thinking what I had going through my head was weird but he thinks he’s me? All I can say to that is that he certainly hasn’t looked in the mirror recently, I wish I did look like that but, OK, that ain’t gonna happen. Me?

“Sorry Steve, I don’t know … I can’t really explain it … I was with my …

Dave and I say down for what seemed like a lifetime while he told me what he thought had happened … he’s me? If he is me then who is this Dave and where did he go? I don’t really, how am I meant to understand it but then, at the same time, if he made it up he was doing a crap job as there were so many holes in the story, if he’d made it up there would be some answers, he’d have been able to explain more, he seems as confused as I am. He seems to know a lot about me though, I mean, what he says does fit, if he is me in some weird way then no wonder I knew hot to jerk him off last night, he was bloody good at it too. But what does he, I mean ‘I’ get out of the deal from his perspective? I know what I get, fucking hell, he’s amazing, but what’s in this for him … wait, the kids. If I suddenly found myself in another body, I’d have to get back, I’d have to be with the kids.

My mobile phone starts to ring … I answer it … “Mr Williams, it’s Queen Elizabeth’s, it’s about Jermaine …. “

Chapter 2

I can’t believe my luck. There laying beside me is some kind of God, a dream guy and he wants me, at least, he says he does but how can he? We only just met yesterday, he could be some weirdo for all I know. But look at him, he looks shattered but so peaceful. Is he going to wake up and realise it has all been some terrible mistake, what do ‘I’ look like? Hell, I was lucky yesterday, I’d only just had my hair done and I’ve lost some weight recently but what if he had turned up a few weeks ago when I was fat and had long messy hair, hadn’t shaved … crikey this could have been different.

Dave turned to me and opened his eyes … “Steve, is that you? I had this really bad dream that this was somehow unreal, that none of what happened was how it was”

“Sorry Dave, I don’t get you, what do you mean, none of what happened? What happened?”

“Oh, ignore me, come here and hug me, today is going to be the start of something special, we are never going to be alone again”

I had to get my head around all of this, who was Dave, what did he mean about something happening? Why did he seem so familiar? There were so many questions but still that old adage rattled in my brain ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. This is weird, I am making a tea for Dave, I don’t even know if he likes tea, oh, what the hell, it’s only a drink, if he doesn’t like it I’ll make something else.

“Steve, you think to much, do you know that? I mean, thinking is good, it gets things done but too much about the wrong stuff and it’s destructive. It’s all well and good using that logical brain of yours but sometimes you just have to let things happen, does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I s’pose. Have I pissed you off in some way, I didn’t mean to, was I snoring or moving about too much last night? I was worried because he seemed to know so much about me and I don’t remember saying anything to upset him and that would be just my luck to finally find the man of my dreams and have no idea how I screwed up.

“What the hell, just listen to yourself, analysing stuff, worrying about what you may have done probably shitting bricks that I’m gonna walk outta here as quick as I came … hey, sorry about that by the way”

Dave laughed and I remembered the first time we had sex last night how he came almost straight away, he said I just ‘had the knack’ or something, probably just beginners luck! At least he has a sense of humour about it. Bloody hell, great looks, money and a sense of humour … if the guy has a brain as well I’ve died and gone to heaven!

The kids went off to school and I offered to buy Dave breakfast down town. He suggested the local garden centre instead, he seems to know a lot for an American fresh in the country … OK, let it go, gift horses and all that. I was just putting my jacket on when Dave headed for the door, picked up the car keys, put the door keys in the front of the door like I do and headed for the car!

“Erm, Dave … are you driving then?”

“Oh shit, sorry man, force of habit I guess, I’ll drive if you want?

“Probably best not, you’re not insured”. “Dave, about what you said earlier, I know it is probably nothing but you said earlier about something happening, tried to avoid it and you know, well, it’s bugging me, I’d like to know what made you visit me or my house or whatever it was that happened yesterday?”

“No, I don’t think … well, yes, actually I know you do want to know I am just not sure I can explain it in a way that don’t make me out to be just too weird. You like sci fi right? I know you are open to the idea of weird stuff but this is something else and I am scared, I mean, if I tell you, I mean, I don’t know what happened and even less why. If I tell you, what if it all falls apart, I go back to being, well … You!”

“Eh? Go back to being me? Yep, you’re right, that’s weird, what is, what do you mean? Look, just tell me something, if you tell me what you know, is that going to change anything, I mean, am I going to lose something from knowing? Will I be any worse of that maybe I was the day before yesterday, when I hadn’t met you?

“OK Steve, you’re right, I mean, why am I just not saying it, why am I nervous of telling you? When I tell you you’ll understand how stupid that sounds”

“Yeah, well, we are getting people staring at us just sitting in the car like this … not that I am complaining but maybe we should go somewhere or something, breakfast?”

“No, I’m not really hungry Steve, can we just get a coffee somewhere and like … talk? The garden centre is fine, it doesn’t get really crowded, just go there?”

“OK, Dave, you’re OK though? I didn’t know what to think. Dave was clearly wanting or needing me to know something but did I need to know? Could this be some sort of bollixed up CIA thing, I mean, they can be a bit weird the yanks but why me? Yeah, so they are going to send someone thousands of miles just to shag some obscure little middle-aged English guy with kids why exactly? Maybe they know something about me even I don’t know. That’d be weird … mind the speed camera, concentrate on that idiot pulling out of the turning … am I being groomed for something? Is it the kids they are after? Yeah, because they are going to send one of their agents over here to get close to the kids! Maybe he isn’t American after all? I am just assuming that from his accent, it’s not like we ever really spoke that much, I don’t really know that much about him, he could be from anywhere, just some drop dead gorgeous guy from just down the road that suddenly though to himself how wonderful this short twat with kids was and maybe he’d try his luck right? OK, scrub that idea, he’s not some weirdo from just down the road and he didn’t turn up yesterday by chance, there is something deeper here … bloody hell, he’s an angel, I am going to die and he’s here to collect me, that’d be right. Finally get some good luck and I get fucked. Er, didn’t mean that literally, but, typical … is it going to happen today, did it happen yesterday? Am I dead? No, I don’t feel dead … my breath went and for all the right reasons because Dave just put his hand on my leg, wow, he can do that again, if I am dead then this is heaven.

“You OK Steve, you went quiet there?”

“Sure, sorry Dave … prolly the sooner you tell me the better cos my brain is going overtime here, nothing you can tell me is as weird as I am imagining! You’re not an alien of something are you?”

“No, not an alien, not much better but not that … I’m you?”

“Er, I, I mean, what do you mean, you’re me? I just know I am me so how can you be me too?” He’s me? Here I was thinking what I had going through my head was weird but he thinks he’s me? All I can say to that is that he certainly hasn’t looked in the mirror recently, I wish I did look like that but, OK, that ain’t gonna happen. Me?

“Sorry Steve, I don’t know … I can’t really explain it … I was with my …

Dave and I say down for what seemed like a lifetime while he told me what he thought had happened … he’s me? If he is me then who is this Dave and where did he go? I don’t really, how am I meant to understand it but then, at the same time, if he made it up he was doing a crap job as there were so many holes in the story, if he’d made it up there would be some answers, he’d have been able to explain more, he seems as confused as I am. He seems to know a lot about me though, I mean, what he says does fit, if he is me in some weird way then no wonder I knew hot to jerk him off last night, he was bloody good at it too. But what does he, I mean ‘I’ get out of the deal from his perspective? I know what I get, fucking hell, he’s amazing, but what’s in this for him … wait, the kids. If I suddenly found myself in another body, I’d have to get back, I’d have to be with the kids.

My mobile phone starts to ring … I answer it … “Mr Williams, it’s Queen Elizabeth’s, it’s about Jermaine …. “

In one of my many dreams it became apparent to me what is causing my current depressive state … if I could only have these dreams whilst awake I’d find life so much easier!

It turns out that I am actually very happy with what I have. I look around all the things I have in my life and it is good. I have great kids, I am proud of them and I know I had no small part to play in that. As some have told me, I have been some kind of hero to manage like I have, hold it all together and my kids are a testimony to my work.

Over the years I have had some amazing holidays, met some amazing people and I have some incredible friends.

Look at this house, a 5 bedroom place with a huge garden. A great TV, loads of TV channels, audio equipment, PC’s all over the place on a wireless fast broadband connection. My bedroom is just so comfy, everything in there I like.

Cars, I have a history of having some really cool cars.

I have this talking piece of a gadget in my PDA, what an amazing bit of kit that is.

So why am I depressed? I have everything that I ever dreamt of having as a kid and more than that. I have achieved far more than my expectations, I am, in short, a success. The problem is, I have reached my ambition, my pinnacle and once there, where else to go? I cannot sustain most of what I have. The kids are going to leave as they should and I am effectively redundant as a man in his 40’s. I have no idea of what job to do and even if I did, my current lifestyle expenditure is at least £16,000 a year which means getting a job paying something like £24,000 just to stand still, what are the chances of that in Northampton? For the sort of money I may be able to get I have to trim something like £100 of my weekly expenditure and that is some huge amount of trimming. To be honest, that doesn’t start to cover things … you see, I am also used to not paying rent and council tax. Add those into the equation and my yearly spend is £22,000 which means a salary of something stupid like £33,000 to just stay where I am. I am so not going to get that or anything like it so something has to go. On a quick adding up and taking away exercise I reckon I can trim it down to £14,000 outgoings but only if I have my loan repaid which has another 3 ½ years to run. But, even working that out in my head that means I need a job paying £21,000. I could get a lodger in, the good element of that is that it will earn me something around £5,000 per annum which is then doable. Do I really want to take such a downturn in fortunes? Well, no, of course not. As a person gets older they like to think that their lifestyle is maintained or improves and doesn’t get continually worse.

I keep trying to tell myself that it is only ‘stuff’ but that ‘stuff’ becomes ever so important when a guy doesn’t have anyone to share life with. With the right partner in life we can have very little and still be happy but on our own some creature comforts become all the more important.

This is why I am depressed because quite simply I have everything I ever wanted already and the only way to go from this point is down unless I pull off an amazing reinvention of myself and I don’t know that I have the energy to do that. Just writing this though I am feeling that a change is imminent. That if it is all going to get screwed up that I do need to allow my control freak attitude on life to kick in for damage limitation. The sooner I start work the better and I have to convince myself that I am not a kid anymore. The level of respect I will get from an employer is far greater now than it ever was before and there is a very real chance of making myself known, getting those promotions, making it to the sort of wage I need to fulfil what are becoming a new set of dreams for this second stage of my life. It’s is just so terribly scary though because I have no idea what to expect, I have to make this happen using all the skills I have learnt over the years. Hmm, can I do this … probably.

In one of my many dreams it became apparent to me what is causing my current depressive state … if I could only have these dreams whilst awake I’d find life so much easier!

It turns out that I am actually very happy with what I have. I look around all the things I have in my life and it is good. I have great kids, I am proud of them and I know I had no small part to play in that. As some have told me, I have been some kind of hero to manage like I have, hold it all together and my kids are a testimony to my work.

Over the years I have had some amazing holidays, met some amazing people and I have some incredible friends.

Look at this house, a 5 bedroom place with a huge garden. A great TV, loads of TV channels, audio equipment, PC’s all over the place on a wireless fast broadband connection. My bedroom is just so comfy, everything in there I like.

Cars, I have a history of having some really cool cars.

I have this talking piece of a gadget in my PDA, what an amazing bit of kit that is.

So why am I depressed? I have everything that I ever dreamt of having as a kid and more than that. I have achieved far more than my expectations, I am, in short, a success. The problem is, I have reached my ambition, my pinnacle and once there, where else to go? I cannot sustain most of what I have. The kids are going to leave as they should and I am effectively redundant as a man in his 40’s. I have no idea of what job to do and even if I did, my current lifestyle expenditure is at least £16,000 a year which means getting a job paying something like £24,000 just to stand still, what are the chances of that in Northampton? For the sort of money I may be able to get I have to trim something like £100 of my weekly expenditure and that is some huge amount of trimming. To be honest, that doesn’t start to cover things … you see, I am also used to not paying rent and council tax. Add those into the equation and my yearly spend is £22,000 which means a salary of something stupid like £33,000 to just stay where I am. I am so not going to get that or anything like it so something has to go. On a quick adding up and taking away exercise I reckon I can trim it down to £14,000 outgoings but only if I have my loan repaid which has another 3 ½ years to run. But, even working that out in my head that means I need a job paying £21,000. I could get a lodger in, the good element of that is that it will earn me something around £5,000 per annum which is then doable. Do I really want to take such a downturn in fortunes? Well, no, of course not. As a person gets older they like to think that their lifestyle is maintained or improves and doesn’t get continually worse.

I keep trying to tell myself that it is only ‘stuff’ but that ‘stuff’ becomes ever so important when a guy doesn’t have anyone to share life with. With the right partner in life we can have very little and still be happy but on our own some creature comforts become all the more important.

This is why I am depressed because quite simply I have everything I ever wanted already and the only way to go from this point is down unless I pull off an amazing reinvention of myself and I don’t know that I have the energy to do that. Just writing this though I am feeling that a change is imminent. That if it is all going to get screwed up that I do need to allow my control freak attitude on life to kick in for damage limitation. The sooner I start work the better and I have to convince myself that I am not a kid anymore. The level of respect I will get from an employer is far greater now than it ever was before and there is a very real chance of making myself known, getting those promotions, making it to the sort of wage I need to fulfil what are becoming a new set of dreams for this second stage of my life. It’s is just so terribly scary though because I have no idea what to expect, I have to make this happen using all the skills I have learnt over the years. Hmm, can I do this … probably.