Year: 2005

Please don’t be offended Steve

I am cancelling my visit up to you next week.

This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly.

Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control.

I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had the kids and would probably have stayed with him as long as I could. The thing is, I was young and in love and when we are like that, that is all that matters. He knows I will always love him, I guess feelings like that just don’t go away. I am not sure about fancying him now, honey, you need to lose some weight and give up the ciggies before that could happen but, deep down the guy I loved is still there and so is the love.

This week has not really been a good one for me. I have not felt 100% all week and, to top that off, hardly any of the new contacts I have made have come to anything, I have had to do all the running and it seems fruitlessly. So, I think it is a case of coast until after I get back from Gran Canaria and then try again, see who else is out there.

On the plus side, there are some guys I am talking to that are making me very happy right now just they live so far away so actually meeting them is problematic. There are some guys closer to home but it is going to take quite some time of chatting I think before I can start thinking about meeting them. So, for now, I am at a loss of places to go, people to meet but then, I still don’t feel quite right so maybe that is good timing!

Please don’t be offended Steve

I am cancelling my visit up to you next week.

This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly.

Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control.

I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had the kids and would probably have stayed with him as long as I could. The thing is, I was young and in love and when we are like that, that is all that matters. He knows I will always love him, I guess feelings like that just don’t go away. I am not sure about fancying him now, honey, you need to lose some weight and give up the ciggies before that could happen but, deep down the guy I loved is still there and so is the love.

This week has not really been a good one for me. I have not felt 100% all week and, to top that off, hardly any of the new contacts I have made have come to anything, I have had to do all the running and it seems fruitlessly. So, I think it is a case of coast until after I get back from Gran Canaria and then try again, see who else is out there.

On the plus side, there are some guys I am talking to that are making me very happy right now just they live so far away so actually meeting them is problematic. There are some guys closer to home but it is going to take quite some time of chatting I think before I can start thinking about meeting them. So, for now, I am at a loss of places to go, people to meet but then, I still don’t feel quite right so maybe that is good timing!

OK, not that interesting but these title thingies are getting tedious trying to think of new ones.

Well, suffice to say that Matt and I did sort out our differences, we normally do.

I really feel this weather that is all over the place is not helping the mood of anyone and add into that we have not had a break from Jermaine in over a month and it is no great shock we are getting stressed.

Just now I am feeling a little peeved that guys I thought I was getting along with have just stopped contacting me or only contact me when it suits them and then don’t really say much. This idea of mine to make new friends really isn’t getting off the ground.

There are also quite a few guys just chatting to me aimlessly never really saying what it is they are after and I am finding all that a little tiresome. If they want a shag, just say so for heavens sake then I can either say yes or no and none of this messing about not really getting anywhere or saying anything.

All weekend and today too I have had this horrible bug that is making me really tired, my throat hurts and I am generally aching. It will pass as things have a habit of doing.

Robin took me to see a Gilbert & Sullivan thing on Saturday night. As I have never done any form of opera before I was quite keen on going and have to say I really quite enjoyed it. The first bit, ‘The Zoo’ was good anyway. The second segment which was a mix of many of the G&S opera’s was not so good and I suspect there are many of them I would not enjoy, a good thing in a small dose I suspect.

Sunday was not very exciting, the ex in-laws came round in the evening and it was pleasant enough but I am not really sure I can do all this parent concern thing anymore and she was again talking to Matt about how Jermaine needed to go into full time residential care. The more people that say that the more resolute I am that it doesn’t happen!

Today, which is Monday, is just 3 weeks away from going to Gran Canaria and I am really looking forward to it. Matt and I went out earlier to do some clothes shopping, finally have some new t-shirts.

I have been speaking to a few guys on Kagoul and like it very much. One of them called me earlier on the phone and we had a real long chat. I like him very much and nothing about him has disappointed me apart from how far away he lives but then, I guess that just means a perfect chance for travel.

OK, not that interesting but these title thingies are getting tedious trying to think of new ones.

Well, suffice to say that Matt and I did sort out our differences, we normally do.

I really feel this weather that is all over the place is not helping the mood of anyone and add into that we have not had a break from Jermaine in over a month and it is no great shock we are getting stressed.

Just now I am feeling a little peeved that guys I thought I was getting along with have just stopped contacting me or only contact me when it suits them and then don’t really say much. This idea of mine to make new friends really isn’t getting off the ground.

There are also quite a few guys just chatting to me aimlessly never really saying what it is they are after and I am finding all that a little tiresome. If they want a shag, just say so for heavens sake then I can either say yes or no and none of this messing about not really getting anywhere or saying anything.

All weekend and today too I have had this horrible bug that is making me really tired, my throat hurts and I am generally aching. It will pass as things have a habit of doing.

Robin took me to see a Gilbert & Sullivan thing on Saturday night. As I have never done any form of opera before I was quite keen on going and have to say I really quite enjoyed it. The first bit, ‘The Zoo’ was good anyway. The second segment which was a mix of many of the G&S opera’s was not so good and I suspect there are many of them I would not enjoy, a good thing in a small dose I suspect.

Sunday was not very exciting, the ex in-laws came round in the evening and it was pleasant enough but I am not really sure I can do all this parent concern thing anymore and she was again talking to Matt about how Jermaine needed to go into full time residential care. The more people that say that the more resolute I am that it doesn’t happen!

Today, which is Monday, is just 3 weeks away from going to Gran Canaria and I am really looking forward to it. Matt and I went out earlier to do some clothes shopping, finally have some new t-shirts.

I have been speaking to a few guys on Kagoul and like it very much. One of them called me earlier on the phone and we had a real long chat. I like him very much and nothing about him has disappointed me apart from how far away he lives but then, I guess that just means a perfect chance for travel.