Midweek report

Please don’t be offended Steve

I am cancelling my visit up to you next week.

This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly.

Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control.

I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had the kids and would probably have stayed with him as long as I could. The thing is, I was young and in love and when we are like that, that is all that matters. He knows I will always love him, I guess feelings like that just don’t go away. I am not sure about fancying him now, honey, you need to lose some weight and give up the ciggies before that could happen but, deep down the guy I loved is still there and so is the love.

This week has not really been a good one for me. I have not felt 100% all week and, to top that off, hardly any of the new contacts I have made have come to anything, I have had to do all the running and it seems fruitlessly. So, I think it is a case of coast until after I get back from Gran Canaria and then try again, see who else is out there.

On the plus side, there are some guys I am talking to that are making me very happy right now just they live so far away so actually meeting them is problematic. There are some guys closer to home but it is going to take quite some time of chatting I think before I can start thinking about meeting them. So, for now, I am at a loss of places to go, people to meet but then, I still don’t feel quite right so maybe that is good timing!

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