Month: January 2006

I got about 4 hours sleep, probably scared the life out of a few friends, maybe upset one or two and for that I apologise.

In relation to health I still feel crap but it is a bad cold mixed up with being really tired which only 4 hours sleep will do for a person. Apart from that I feel quite upbeat. Writing what I did last night clearly helped even if I am not sure you, the reader, needed to read it.

Particular apologies to Martyn who got more messages than most and, just as Tony would have done, wisely decided not to reply but I am sure he’d have found it so much easier just to write back ‘sod off’.

Trying to drink my first coffee of the day, taken the best part of an hour so far as I made it then walked into the office direct from getting up and noticed a text from Matt saying how he was running really late, had missed his bus because Zoey would not cooperate and only have 25 minutes to get to the other side of town for an ‘A’ level exam. I left straight away but every light and stupid mother in her 4×4 was against us. At 8:55 we gave up as the remaining portion of the journey could not be done in that time and he was already borderline had he been there seeing as they are meant to be there 10 minutes prior to the exam. He can resit the thing in the summer so all is not lost.

I am supposed to be writing a presentation to my MP this morning before going to a meeting with Sue at the Carers Centre, not sure I will get that done in the 10 minutes I have left before I have to leave. Really, I felt updating you was more important, let you know I am OK, ill but OK. There is a pillow with my name on it for some time this afternoon though! 🙂

I got about 4 hours sleep, probably scared the life out of a few friends, maybe upset one or two and for that I apologise.

In relation to health I still feel crap but it is a bad cold mixed up with being really tired which only 4 hours sleep will do for a person. Apart from that I feel quite upbeat. Writing what I did last night clearly helped even if I am not sure you, the reader, needed to read it.

Particular apologies to Martyn who got more messages than most and, just as Tony would have done, wisely decided not to reply but I am sure he’d have found it so much easier just to write back ‘sod off’.

Trying to drink my first coffee of the day, taken the best part of an hour so far as I made it then walked into the office direct from getting up and noticed a text from Matt saying how he was running really late, had missed his bus because Zoey would not cooperate and only have 25 minutes to get to the other side of town for an ‘A’ level exam. I left straight away but every light and stupid mother in her 4×4 was against us. At 8:55 we gave up as the remaining portion of the journey could not be done in that time and he was already borderline had he been there seeing as they are meant to be there 10 minutes prior to the exam. He can resit the thing in the summer so all is not lost.

I am supposed to be writing a presentation to my MP this morning before going to a meeting with Sue at the Carers Centre, not sure I will get that done in the 10 minutes I have left before I have to leave. Really, I felt updating you was more important, let you know I am OK, ill but OK. There is a pillow with my name on it for some time this afternoon though! 🙂

Late yesterday morning I started to get a little tickle of a cough, nothing else, just that, nothing to worry about.

The previous night, that’s be Sunday, Matt did me some Gin & Tonics but it was not until my head started really spinning I realised how strong they were, I went from being mildly tipsy to really rather pissed. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too clever when I woke up at 8:00 on Monday morning. I also had not gone to bed until something like 3am so too much booze and not enough sleep.

I took myself off to Tesco for lunch, I had no idea why, I didn’t need to go to Tesco but there I was and I was aware I was not thinking rationally. Later on in the day I visited the GUM clinic, my throat started to tickle again so I needed some water. Had all my checks, two weeks to wait for the result.

By 9pm I had made my mind up that a bedtime prior to midnight was on the cards and so I went upstairs at 11 but realised quickly I was feeling way worse than just tired. I couldn’t get warm; my feet were really hurting they were so cold. I lay there awake, I said goodnight to Martyn and reached over to give him a cuddle … sod this, get a grip Steve. No one is here with you, you are on your own and I suddenly got very scared, felt very small and lonely. I reached over and put on my comfort light, the one Tony got me, I feel like he’s there when I turn that on. I got up, got warm things on and came downstairs, took some paracetemol and here I am, waiting for them to work and waiting for me to get out of panic mode …. I do hate this feeling.

I guess this proves my point, going to bed early is pointless because I have not gained anything, just stressed myself out. I think tonight brought it to a head for me though why I go to bed late. As long as I am up doing something I don’t feel alone, there is someone to talk to, something to read, and something to watch. In bed, unless I am really tired, I think, I think too much and right now I don’t have the answers. I shall do but not yet.

Something huge is worrying me too … this is not unique to me, parents the world over have this. It has just dawned on me that pretty soon the kids won’t need me. Sure, they will need me but they won’t depend on me, the role I have had for 19 years is ebbing away and there is nothing I can do about it. The other night, Saturday night, Daisy threatened to go live with her mum, she meant it to and Kris had things planned, it was all going to happen. I managed to stop it but that was so frightening. I mean, Matt could go any time, he’s 18 shortly. Daisy to Kris and Jermaine leaving likes rats from a ship. They are each growing up, not babies any more. I look at pictures of them when they were little and it’s really upsetting, my little babies all gone. OK, just cried my eyes out. Look, you don’t need to read this, I am sorry, please don’t get upset but I do need to write it. I feel a little better now and the tablets are starting to work too. Things will seem better when it’s light, they always do.

Late yesterday morning I started to get a little tickle of a cough, nothing else, just that, nothing to worry about.

The previous night, that’s be Sunday, Matt did me some Gin & Tonics but it was not until my head started really spinning I realised how strong they were, I went from being mildly tipsy to really rather pissed. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too clever when I woke up at 8:00 on Monday morning. I also had not gone to bed until something like 3am so too much booze and not enough sleep.

I took myself off to Tesco for lunch, I had no idea why, I didn’t need to go to Tesco but there I was and I was aware I was not thinking rationally. Later on in the day I visited the GUM clinic, my throat started to tickle again so I needed some water. Had all my checks, two weeks to wait for the result.

By 9pm I had made my mind up that a bedtime prior to midnight was on the cards and so I went upstairs at 11 but realised quickly I was feeling way worse than just tired. I couldn’t get warm; my feet were really hurting they were so cold. I lay there awake, I said goodnight to Martyn and reached over to give him a cuddle … sod this, get a grip Steve. No one is here with you, you are on your own and I suddenly got very scared, felt very small and lonely. I reached over and put on my comfort light, the one Tony got me, I feel like he’s there when I turn that on. I got up, got warm things on and came downstairs, took some paracetemol and here I am, waiting for them to work and waiting for me to get out of panic mode …. I do hate this feeling.

I guess this proves my point, going to bed early is pointless because I have not gained anything, just stressed myself out. I think tonight brought it to a head for me though why I go to bed late. As long as I am up doing something I don’t feel alone, there is someone to talk to, something to read, and something to watch. In bed, unless I am really tired, I think, I think too much and right now I don’t have the answers. I shall do but not yet.

Something huge is worrying me too … this is not unique to me, parents the world over have this. It has just dawned on me that pretty soon the kids won’t need me. Sure, they will need me but they won’t depend on me, the role I have had for 19 years is ebbing away and there is nothing I can do about it. The other night, Saturday night, Daisy threatened to go live with her mum, she meant it to and Kris had things planned, it was all going to happen. I managed to stop it but that was so frightening. I mean, Matt could go any time, he’s 18 shortly. Daisy to Kris and Jermaine leaving likes rats from a ship. They are each growing up, not babies any more. I look at pictures of them when they were little and it’s really upsetting, my little babies all gone. OK, just cried my eyes out. Look, you don’t need to read this, I am sorry, please don’t get upset but I do need to write it. I feel a little better now and the tablets are starting to work too. Things will seem better when it’s light, they always do.