Gonna take my laptop with me so I may update the blog or I may not undecided at this stage,

Just read Martyn’s blog and it really upset me, I thought we’d sorted all that stuff about controlling things what with me trying to explain how I am not really, I am more just voicing my thoughts, everything I say can be challenged and when I make a suggestion, and that is all it is, I am looking for a better one, it’s a starting block not a decision. As I am so flippin’ pissed off about my control freak image I really need Martyn to understand the real me, to know that sometimes I come across wrong but that he needs to question me on it rather than bottling things up and getting angry inside about it. It hurts because it feels like I am being blamed for something I didn’t do like if I’d accidentally bashed into someone yet they believed I’d taken a swipe at them, less still from a person that should know I’d do nothing to hurt or upset them. My point being, I have feelings too and I need to be as much understood and have allowances for me as Martyn does and I do try so hard not to make it sound like anything I do or say is one-upmanship or controlling.

As for Gran Canaria, as it happens it never crossed my mind that I was Martyn’s guest, I really thought it was an equal holiday where we just decided together what we wanted to do whether it was together, he went off or I did, we’d kinda just sort that out when we were there. But, I am happy to be the ‘guest’ … hell, I need a break so much I am happy to be told exactly what we are doing at any one given moment! As for Florida, I’d want Martyn to fully participate because I have already been there so I have done stuff already, I don’t mind missing some things out if Martyn would rather do something else. I’d be hoping Martyn looks into it beforehand and decides what he may like to do (or not) and I can certainly help as to how viable something may be having already done it.

In short, I do just need to be able to relax around Martyn and have him put in the same amount of effort as me and I think that just means communicating more as most if not all our difference can be explained by misunderstandings on both sides.

With Gran Canaria I only have one thing I would have real difficult with and that would be if Martyn was to start fooling around with some other guy in front of me. It doesn’t really bother me if he wants to go off and have some fun if that’s what he wants to do but no, I don’t think I’d like to watch as that would make me feel very lonely and excluded. Apart from that though, and we already agree it I think, I don’t have any must do’s on the holiday other than to have some fun

For the record again and to totally clear these silly thoughts from my mind (the purpose of this blog) I would never do anything to knowingly upset anyone least of all someone I think as much of as Martyn.

Okies, that sorted then, I may be able to get some sleep now!

Gonna take my laptop with me so I may update the blog or I may not undecided at this stage,

Just read Martyn’s blog and it really upset me, I thought we’d sorted all that stuff about controlling things what with me trying to explain how I am not really, I am more just voicing my thoughts, everything I say can be challenged and when I make a suggestion, and that is all it is, I am looking for a better one, it’s a starting block not a decision. As I am so flippin’ pissed off about my control freak image I really need Martyn to understand the real me, to know that sometimes I come across wrong but that he needs to question me on it rather than bottling things up and getting angry inside about it. It hurts because it feels like I am being blamed for something I didn’t do like if I’d accidentally bashed into someone yet they believed I’d taken a swipe at them, less still from a person that should know I’d do nothing to hurt or upset them. My point being, I have feelings too and I need to be as much understood and have allowances for me as Martyn does and I do try so hard not to make it sound like anything I do or say is one-upmanship or controlling.

As for Gran Canaria, as it happens it never crossed my mind that I was Martyn’s guest, I really thought it was an equal holiday where we just decided together what we wanted to do whether it was together, he went off or I did, we’d kinda just sort that out when we were there. But, I am happy to be the ‘guest’ … hell, I need a break so much I am happy to be told exactly what we are doing at any one given moment! As for Florida, I’d want Martyn to fully participate because I have already been there so I have done stuff already, I don’t mind missing some things out if Martyn would rather do something else. I’d be hoping Martyn looks into it beforehand and decides what he may like to do (or not) and I can certainly help as to how viable something may be having already done it.

In short, I do just need to be able to relax around Martyn and have him put in the same amount of effort as me and I think that just means communicating more as most if not all our difference can be explained by misunderstandings on both sides.

With Gran Canaria I only have one thing I would have real difficult with and that would be if Martyn was to start fooling around with some other guy in front of me. It doesn’t really bother me if he wants to go off and have some fun if that’s what he wants to do but no, I don’t think I’d like to watch as that would make me feel very lonely and excluded. Apart from that though, and we already agree it I think, I don’t have any must do’s on the holiday other than to have some fun

For the record again and to totally clear these silly thoughts from my mind (the purpose of this blog) I would never do anything to knowingly upset anyone least of all someone I think as much of as Martyn.

Okies, that sorted then, I may be able to get some sleep now!

I was lying on my side earlier and this really attractive guy gently and seductively pulled my trousers down and then my pants and massaged my aching buttocks with his hand whilst I was in heaven. He put it in my bum and it really hurt, I mean, it wasn’t unbearable but it was uncomfortable but quite soon his tool was empty and he withdrew and rubbed vigorously on my aching lower end.

“I hope that didn’t hurt too much” he said

“No, it’s OK, I am used to injections and the last one there was way worse than that, you did really well” I said.

OK, this was not an erotic fantasy but a brief summary of my trip to rheumatology earlier. After quite a long and painful examination they decided to give me a steroid injection to reduce the swelling in my legs but that will only last from between 6 – 8 weeks when I have to go back again, well, OK, I go back in 3 months the week after I get home from Gran Canaria.

They tell me there is a chance that the symptoms may go before the next appointment in which case I can relax and get on with life but more likely they said was that I will be as bad as ever within 2 months when they will put me on a new medication. The problem is, the new medication is probably going to reduce yet further my immune system opening me up to even more virus infections and as these infections seem to make my joints worse and me otherwise not very well, it’s a difficult decision to make. On the one hand, I don’t want to be in a wheelchair but, on the other, I don’t want to be deaded by the flu!

I decided earlier not to go to Manchester after all tomorrow, there was someone going that pissed me off earlier and I really can’t be arsed so I am just going to spend the weekend with Stan and Pete.

Matt has the ump because he somehow thought I said it was OK for him to go out whenever he likes over the weekend and leave the girls indoors whereas I am quite sure I said that it’s OK to do that Sunday whilst he is at work and didn’t say anything about the Saturday. He called his mum to ask if the girls could go there but apparently she has decided now that once a fortnight is more than enough to see her kids so she’s ‘busy’ this weekend.

I was pleased to hear that Robin passed his course with flying colours, not that I doubted he would but I know he was panicking about it.

I was lying on my side earlier and this really attractive guy gently and seductively pulled my trousers down and then my pants and massaged my aching buttocks with his hand whilst I was in heaven. He put it in my bum and it really hurt, I mean, it wasn’t unbearable but it was uncomfortable but quite soon his tool was empty and he withdrew and rubbed vigorously on my aching lower end.

“I hope that didn’t hurt too much” he said

“No, it’s OK, I am used to injections and the last one there was way worse than that, you did really well” I said.

OK, this was not an erotic fantasy but a brief summary of my trip to rheumatology earlier. After quite a long and painful examination they decided to give me a steroid injection to reduce the swelling in my legs but that will only last from between 6 – 8 weeks when I have to go back again, well, OK, I go back in 3 months the week after I get home from Gran Canaria.

They tell me there is a chance that the symptoms may go before the next appointment in which case I can relax and get on with life but more likely they said was that I will be as bad as ever within 2 months when they will put me on a new medication. The problem is, the new medication is probably going to reduce yet further my immune system opening me up to even more virus infections and as these infections seem to make my joints worse and me otherwise not very well, it’s a difficult decision to make. On the one hand, I don’t want to be in a wheelchair but, on the other, I don’t want to be deaded by the flu!

I decided earlier not to go to Manchester after all tomorrow, there was someone going that pissed me off earlier and I really can’t be arsed so I am just going to spend the weekend with Stan and Pete.

Matt has the ump because he somehow thought I said it was OK for him to go out whenever he likes over the weekend and leave the girls indoors whereas I am quite sure I said that it’s OK to do that Sunday whilst he is at work and didn’t say anything about the Saturday. He called his mum to ask if the girls could go there but apparently she has decided now that once a fortnight is more than enough to see her kids so she’s ‘busy’ this weekend.

I was pleased to hear that Robin passed his course with flying colours, not that I doubted he would but I know he was panicking about it.