Spring Cleaning Gone mad (just like me really)

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I certainly seem to be in that mood where I just want to do stuff, get it sorted so much is moving around just now. Matt completed his bedroom, the ‘J’ lounge will be done this week with carpets for both on Monday. Sadly, the furniture to make the ‘J’ lounge useful is unlikely to arrive before I go to Gran Canaria.

The garden got attacked a few days ago and a very large and not attractive bush was chopped down to the basics. There is no way it can be removed totally without a digger so there the base will have to stay but it has cleared a huge area. That may seem good but I had no idea to do with the garden before and now that I have a lot more of it, the choice is no easier.

I have decided what I am having done to my hair but I am keeping that as my secret for now.

Have been talking a lot to Simon recently but no matter how I look at it, the chances of us getting back together again are remote. I admire him for what he is doing but, of course, it doesn’t coincide with my plans so just a right bugger really.

My feelings never went for Simon but, as is often the case, that’s just not enough to make something work.

There are times when I wish I didn’t have feelings for people, especially guys then it wouldn’t hurt so much when they can’t be mine. It will probably always hurt to hear about guys that I love having sex with others, I know I can’t have them so there is no way they need to change what they are doing but even so, it hurts and I do sometimes wish I could switch it off.

Gran Canaria is going to be difficult for me at times; I’d be a fool to pretend that at some point I am not going to get hurt, probably at several points. The key is for me to acknowledge that and see that the good times are more than those painful times. I think not having anyone to talk to about how I am feeling when I am there will be the toughest part, a lot of bottling things up is the order of the day I think. This is my only holiday this year and probably for a few years so I just have to enjoy it and I will.

I think I need to acknowledge to myself that I am tired right now having gone to bed late last night to get a job finished and the weather is once again grey and wet, a really bad combination for my feelings.

Back to the spring cleaning and the reason I was up late last night … I was sorting out my filing cabinet, getting rid of a mountain of dead paperwork via the shredder and making sure all those jobs that needed doing were done. I am pleased to say that I now have some very empty filing trays, my filing cabinet is a lot thinner and there are three huge bags of shredded paper sitting by my street door right now.

Back to Gran Canaria … I think me feeling so pessimistic about it now may be a good thing as it’s quite possible the reality of it will be so much better. (He says doubting it)

My hospital appointment for my throat has been brought forward to May 4 (be with you) so this means I may well have some reassuring news or some bloody awful news to take to Gran Canaria with me. Hopefully I shall get more than … come back in a few weeks and we will take another look.

Martyn, Simon … probably best you don’t read beyond this point, it’s written to help me, not get at you.

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Those feelings … I am not feeling any better so I am guessing that I am obviously avoiding writing what I need to write and that defeats the object of this bloggie thing.

Simon spoke to me about how he’d still been having sex with Mike and the stupid thing is, I’d never really thought about Si having sex with anyone else and it just felt so wrong to me. Today I read Martyn’s blog and it was all lovely and bubbly but there was how he’d had sex with John for doing his hair, how he was visiting Myron in London (who I know has the hots for him) and there was a bit about how great it is (OK, he never said that) that John and his friend would be in GC the same time as us and it’d be great to meet up for meals and drinks and I am thinking … no, it wouldn’t, it really wouldn’t be great to meet your conquests and have them looking at me knowing that they’ve been with you too and probably will whilst we are in GC, that really sucks for me (and probably for John who’ll be doing some sucking no doubt too). Somehow, knowing that Martyn obviously does have sex with other guys doesn’t bother me until I know who they are. Not that any of this is Martyn’s problem and it must be crap for him reading it but, as always, this is my blog and the only chance I have of clearing these feelings from my head is by writing them down and often that just reduces them. For me and my silly fucked up mind it’s like I am being cheated on, having my face rubbed in it. I can ignore what I can see, pretend it is not happening but I can’t ignore what I can see and I now have very vivid and painful visions of Martyn and Myron shagging, it’s stupid, it really shouldn’t but it does hurt.

What has not helped this segment of the blog is that Matt has kept coming in and out of the office whilst I was writing it meaning I have not got the feelings out right. The way it works is that I start writing and I don’t stop until I feel calm again yet all that happened here is the words got down on the screen but my anger levels went up because these feelings kept getting closeted again over and over each time he walked in to ask for yet something else.

I’ll try again, just to get a little more out but will wait for Matt to actually walk out the door as I just know he’ll interrupt again.

OK, he’s gone now … borrowed yet more money off me yet with no prospect of him being able to repay me any of the £700+ he owes right now.

Several times I have considered cancelling the GC holiday because I am scared I can’t cope but I am a different person now to how I used to be, now I face up to my demons and work through my problems. On the whole I know it’ll be a really good holiday but those times I find difficult I shall just have to deal with. If need be I can just call Robin and talk things through and I shall take my laptop so blog entries will still be made but will have to wait until I get home before getting posted.

OK, this is working better, feeling myself down to where I was when I started this … I guess I really just don’t want to be alone, I want or need to be part of something that has a future. I am seeing everything around me that has been safe and familiar go away. Behind me are several relationships, one son and some good health. For the next few years I am going to see each of the other remaining kids leave the nest. I am quite certain my health will get worse and my financial situation dire. In short, I have a bleak future ahead of me unless I make some changes to the things I can change but it’s just so scary because it is like starting over again only I am not 16 anymore. My whole way of life, my entire perception of my existence is going to change and I just don’t know if I can get through that on my own. For a control freak I just can’t even control my own feelings. I feel pain every night for Jermaine. I know I did the right thing but yet, it feels so wrong. I feel pain for me, there are people I love out there and I can’t have them. I feel pain for Robin, he hurts like hell physically and deep inside, I think he’s probably in love with me and I love him too but in a different way, in a way that means I can’t ever have anything physical with him and it hurts me that I can’t give that to him. I sometimes think I deserve to feel that guilt as I am laying it at the feet of others but why does it all have to be so complicated? Why is it that I cannot just be me, not need anyone else, not need to be loved and just enjoy casual sex to satisfy a need?

The song ‘Mad World’ contains a line that has always been true for me. This isn’t me saying I have any intent but the fact is, the line …. ‘the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had’ … well, that is true, they have been some of my very best dreams. Part of that is that I don’t have to fight anymore. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have someone special because I don’t have a future. When I am dying then I will finally know who my friends really are, I also won’t have to worry about upsetting some people that I current use restraint with. There are just so many advantages to simply coming to a natural end like Tony did. It’s a scary thought not being around any more, I’d be worried about the kids up until the moment I went but death is actually a nice thing to look forward to, it gives me something to focus on. Really, I am not planning on suicide or anything but just being realistic about something that is going to happen. Life is a struggle, a battle from one day to the next with just brief moments of respite and I don’t want that to go on forever. That is why I am not concerned about anything they may tell me about my throat, what will be will be and all that. I also won’t be disappointed if they give me the all clear and I go on for another 50+ years either. Just that, if I am going to go on like that, please, if there is anyone out there that controls such things, don’t let me do it alone.

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