‘No man is a failure that has friends’
That’s the quote from the end of ‘It’s a wonderful life’, one of if not my favourite movie.
But it’s sentimental crap. A man can have friends yet not be worth anything to himself and that’s where it matters, the need to feel valuable with in ourselves.
It’s great I have friends but it doesn’t make the headache go away, it doesn’t make me feel valued as anything other than a crutch, a number, a support system and, in some cases, I feel like the sorry excuse to be taken care of, I am never really certain that I am valued as a person even if I never actually perform any useful purpose again.
Probably that’s unfair, Ian & Richard are a couple I certainly cannot imagine could gain anything from me so I have to assume their friendship is genuine but, I am also aware that I am totally nothing like anyone they know from what I have seen and I don’t even shag away anymore so what do they see in me?
Right from as long ago as I remember I have been second best, at best ‘average’. I have known more people that have shown me gratitude than I can recall, in the George Bailey sense, I am a success, and my life has made a real difference to others. Had I never been born a few parts of this planet would be the worse for it and that is brilliant to know but doesn’t bring me happiness. The thing is, George Bailey was happy to know what he had done in life was worthwhile, that he was a good person but he had Clarence. He had someone who would know such things to show him that it had been noticed and was appreciated. There is no one person that knows me that well and can see what I have achieved, the lives I have touched, no one will be coming through my door having reached into their pockets to make me the richest man in town, it just isn’t going to happen.
My life seems to be dedicated to the pursuit of happiness for others yet it somehow keeps eluding me in any lasting way. This could, of course be, because very few people have clearly gone out of their way for me … my 40th birthday party that didn’t happen comes to mind. Many birthdays before that which were enjoyable for others but because I did all the work whilst they watched on. The holidays that I arranged, the disasters that I took control of and all whilst others enjoyed themselves. I do the driving, I do the thinking and contrary to the impression I apparently give, I don’t like being in control all of the time I just often am as a defence because if I allow myself to hope that someone else will take the lead in my enjoyment I am most often sorely disappointed.
I am the sort of guy that people will come together at my funeral and cry and say what a wonderful guy I was, how I deserved a medal yet this doesn’t happen whilst I am alive and why? I don’t know, it’s humanity I guess. We only see the value of someone once they are dead. Oh, no, I am not contemplating that, anything but, I am letting off steam, it’s what this blog is for and, just lately I am neglecting it because there are things I want to say that frankly I just cannot and I cannot because I can’t trust those I know to understand that it is a feeling I am having now and it may have more to do with me than it does them.