From hero to zero

I went back to bed earlier, partly tired, mainly depressed. Matt came round whilst I was there to collect something.

He gave John a wave, left a note to Daisy saying how wonderful she was and that’s it.

It seems 19 years of caring and loving don’t count for anything.

To be honest, I don’t want to do anything, I could not care less right now. I don’t care if the holiday happens or not, have lost all enthusiasm for the new car, don’t want to talk to anyone or even, quite frankly, exist right at the moment.

Losing kids is always difficult I guess but it seems the way mine are going is just so cruel. Other people have kids who maybe leave home, call to say hi, visit and stuff. When my kids go I am dead to them. That’s failure in y book, no other way of putting it and I don’t want to be told otherwise because it’s not true.

My feelings at the moment are that I am a failed parent, I am fat and unexciting. Why John is still hanging around I don’t know because I am paying him hardly any attention any more. I love him but that’s not good enough, he deserves more and I am sure he doesn’t have a clue what is going on right now.

I’ve been down before so I have the experience to know I shall bounce back up. I am thankful, there is a reason for how I am feeling which means that eventually it will go as I get used to the idea.

Maybe tomorrow things will look better.

One thing, when I worry I ‘do’ so the house is getting to look quite clean right now and I may start on the car tomorrow. I am going to use it this coming week then after visiting Ian & Richard I will clean it up and advertise it.

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