Month: May 2007

We need shit but end up with weeds anyway.

It could be fair to say I am going through a rough patch right now, one which has been getting worse and worse for a few months culminating in me thinking very seriously about going to sleep and not waking up and I mean ‘really’ thinking about that as an option in a logical and calculated way. Not that my conclusion was entirely against the idea, there were some considerable merits to the possibility. My rejection decision is because I feel I owe me one chance to get it right but, if I am honest, I feel I only have enough energy left for one more crack at it. My brain will not be able to handle another major issue in my life.

The C5 is once again advertised at a price I feel it should get. If it doesn’t then I am screwed. There is no point holding on to the idea of keeping the Sebring and I will just have to sell that as soon as it’s repaired. If that’s what I have to do I shall also sell the C5 at the same time for what ever I can get for it just because by then my spirit will be shattered and I just want nothing to do with cars in any shape or form, just so not worth it. Further to that I am seriously considering no matter how popular, just looking for an exchange and moving back down south again, somewhere like Brighton. I have lived in Northampton for 12 years nearly and my memories of the town are not brilliant. I am actually still scared of what others will do to me here. Too often in this town I have been a victim. I know I have just had really bad luck but I don’t think it’s ended yet, I feel I can still be a victim just for being gay in this town and I hate that. I hate that I could finally sort out this mess with the car and then get the Sebring smashed up outside just because someone is jealous of the poof having not only a nice house but a nice car to match. I just so don’t need that. I know the police are crap so I feel totally unprotected from the harm the bastards could do me.

Hopefully, if I do sell the C5, if Matt starts behaving himself and repaying me, if the holiday is OK, if I start being able to relax more and Jermaine is living in Corby so I don’t feel permanently guilty, maybe then I’d reconsider but as it is I just want to run away and try again somewhere where I am not known.

Failing that, a fucking lottery win would go down very nicely thank you very much!

I just so want ‘NEED’ something to go right for me, I need the sun to shine and I need no more bloody shit cos the roses are not growing.

We need shit but end up with weeds anyway.

It could be fair to say I am going through a rough patch right now, one which has been getting worse and worse for a few months culminating in me thinking very seriously about going to sleep and not waking up and I mean ‘really’ thinking about that as an option in a logical and calculated way. Not that my conclusion was entirely against the idea, there were some considerable merits to the possibility. My rejection decision is because I feel I owe me one chance to get it right but, if I am honest, I feel I only have enough energy left for one more crack at it. My brain will not be able to handle another major issue in my life.

The C5 is once again advertised at a price I feel it should get. If it doesn’t then I am screwed. There is no point holding on to the idea of keeping the Sebring and I will just have to sell that as soon as it’s repaired. If that’s what I have to do I shall also sell the C5 at the same time for what ever I can get for it just because by then my spirit will be shattered and I just want nothing to do with cars in any shape or form, just so not worth it. Further to that I am seriously considering no matter how popular, just looking for an exchange and moving back down south again, somewhere like Brighton. I have lived in Northampton for 12 years nearly and my memories of the town are not brilliant. I am actually still scared of what others will do to me here. Too often in this town I have been a victim. I know I have just had really bad luck but I don’t think it’s ended yet, I feel I can still be a victim just for being gay in this town and I hate that. I hate that I could finally sort out this mess with the car and then get the Sebring smashed up outside just because someone is jealous of the poof having not only a nice house but a nice car to match. I just so don’t need that. I know the police are crap so I feel totally unprotected from the harm the bastards could do me.

Hopefully, if I do sell the C5, if Matt starts behaving himself and repaying me, if the holiday is OK, if I start being able to relax more and Jermaine is living in Corby so I don’t feel permanently guilty, maybe then I’d reconsider but as it is I just want to run away and try again somewhere where I am not known.

Failing that, a fucking lottery win would go down very nicely thank you very much!

I just so want ‘NEED’ something to go right for me, I need the sun to shine and I need no more bloody shit cos the roses are not growing.

It’s lovely this morning … the clouds are starting to roll in but it was great to wake this morning with the sun through the curtains and the feeling of heat.

Whilst I know the BBC are crap at forecasts it is nice to just hold on to the thought that this week may be a getting better type of week with some real prospects of shorts and t-shirts required.

Today does not feel like a Sunday … actually, it does but somehow tomorrow doesn’t feel right being Monday.

I am really missing Jermaine and feeling terribly guilty for not visiting more often, I really don’t have any excuses. OK, yes, I have excuses. It is a crap drive, it gets me knackered, I can’t afford the fuel, the country lanes are so small it risks damaging the car each time and the staff there piss me off occasionally. My reason is that it is easier not to. Somehow I console myself telling me that he doesn’t miss us, barely remembers who we are etc. Would I be the same with any of the other kids? Well, yes, I think I would because I’d expect them to contact me if they needed anything. Maybe invite me over now and then, come here for tea.

Watched Dr Who last night … still can’t see the appeal of it for anyone over 12. Predictable nonsense from what I could see. The special effects are really cool now but the story lines? Nah, there are better things to watch on TV.

It’s lovely this morning … the clouds are starting to roll in but it was great to wake this morning with the sun through the curtains and the feeling of heat.

Whilst I know the BBC are crap at forecasts it is nice to just hold on to the thought that this week may be a getting better type of week with some real prospects of shorts and t-shirts required.

Today does not feel like a Sunday … actually, it does but somehow tomorrow doesn’t feel right being Monday.

I am really missing Jermaine and feeling terribly guilty for not visiting more often, I really don’t have any excuses. OK, yes, I have excuses. It is a crap drive, it gets me knackered, I can’t afford the fuel, the country lanes are so small it risks damaging the car each time and the staff there piss me off occasionally. My reason is that it is easier not to. Somehow I console myself telling me that he doesn’t miss us, barely remembers who we are etc. Would I be the same with any of the other kids? Well, yes, I think I would because I’d expect them to contact me if they needed anything. Maybe invite me over now and then, come here for tea.

Watched Dr Who last night … still can’t see the appeal of it for anyone over 12. Predictable nonsense from what I could see. The special effects are really cool now but the story lines? Nah, there are better things to watch on TV.