An ‘Explosion’

As there has been an explosion of people saying how I am a terrible dad for writing anything (I assume here) I feel that I need to clarify a little of not a lot.

Firstly, very few parents take on parenting intending to ever fall out with their kids and very few, myself included, ever stop loving their kids no matter what. As those who know will know, my eldest, Jermaine, has sworn at me and attacked my physically many times yet I still love him and support him as much as I can.

I still love my Matt and Daisy and Zoey too of course.

The thing is, most people don’t get to see what their friends are really like but rather just the image they want to let them see. I don’t write on here at all unless I am really hurt or upset about something. It is my way of dealing with life so I don’t take it out on other people. Generally speaking, not many people read this anyway. The front page actually reminds people what this blog is for and also says ” I’ll probably always love you I just may not ‘like’ you now and then.”

That is the point, it is possible to love someone deeply yet not like them very much now and then and right now I feel that way about Matt. I can only say that anyone who thinks I could ‘hate’ any of my kids doesn’t know me at all, not even a little bit.

Clearly some people have been stirring some shit this past 24 hours and feeding Matt some stuff that is not helpful. I am all for being supportive of friends but it’s better to check the facts before making wild claims about what is written on here.

This blog is most certainly not here to make me look good, I don’t give a shit about what people think of me, I am way too old to worry that what anyone thinks could make the slightest difference to me. In short, if someone likes me and cares for me then they’d know the reality of the person I am and read this blog in context. If they don’t know me then it’ll be a one sided out of context snap shot of my life and opinions that is fairly meaningless.

What I wrote in my last entry … and hear I break my own rule by explaining myself in my blog … what I wrote was how I saw it as that snapshot of a moment. It doesn’t mean I was right or that it was a reality but simply how I was feeling at that moment. I do have very good reason to question Matt and what he tells me, he has not got to the point of owing that amount of money by being honest with me.

We agreed a really cheap amount of rent for him to pay as a contribution to the household budget, it is certainly at the lower end of what many at 19 may be paying when they are earning unless their parents are loaded and I’m not. Back in August Matt stopped paying it. He knew he wasn’t paying it by standing order but didn’t tell me. He still continued to spend several weeks rent on himself though on stuff he totally didn’t need and that made me feel used, very used.

He’s been getting himself in the shit with money for the longest of times and I have loaned him money with strict rules attached that he repay me before he goes out with his mates on the piss … he’s ignored that, he’s spent loads on himself and just tells me I will have to wait until he is ready to repay me. He has lied to me about who paid for stuff he bought with money he doesn’t have. I get the blame for loads of stuff that is totally not my fault. I am supposed to be responsible for every girlfriend break-up he has had … unless that has changed but he’s not mentioned it if it has. The holes in his bedroom door caused by his boot and fist are my fault for making him angry … the dent in the dishwasher is because he was angry about something else and I wasn’t even here for that one.

I have furniture and towels stained with his hair dye, a lounge suite that his misuse has ‘helped’ to ruin.

Remember, I still love Matt despite this but it doesn’t stop it hurting me each time I am shat on by him.

The truth is, he just won’t grow up and accept that life has responsibility attached to it. Me being his dad does not mean I am able to take his nonsense … expecting that if he pays me rent he is entitled to do what he likes in my house.

He gives me the impression most of the time that he has no respect for me at all. That’s probably not true but it is how he makes me feel. At times he really intimidates me.

Anne is, of course, welcome here, I didn’t mean to imply she wasn’t in my last message but more that as a respect for it being my house Matt could at least check with me it is OK. I was sitting on the sofa in my boxers when she walked in with him. I felt awkward as hell about it and it couldn’t have been a pleasant sight for her either. You know, when we have our own house it can be really off putting when people just turn up like I am expecting them when I have no clue they are coming at all.

My thinking behind getting Matt to move out is this:

Living here he just will not grow up and take anything seriously. He spends more money than he has coming in and is in mega debt. We are always arguing and mainly because he owes me money or just normal parent stuff or with him acting like he owns the place. If he stays here he has no reason, no incentive to change. He is just stuck in this loop he’s been in for so long and doesn’t do anything to get out of it and I have tried so many times to help but he won’t take any advice at all, just likes things the way they are.

If he moves out he is forced to grow up and take some responsibility. He argues that if I allow him to stay here that he will be in a better position to move out because he won’t be in so much debt. I stupidly went along with that and then, last month long after he’d already stopped paying me, he went out with his last pay packet and spent £150 on himself not making any significant dent in his debts which he just transfers, at the moment, on to me. So, allowing him to stay here under those conditions clearly isn’t working because it seems, and let’s face it, it’s logical, if he doesn’t repay his debt he doesn’t have to move and thus can continue as he is.

However, if I accept that I have to ignore my feelings and force him out into the adult world then he can’t make any more excuses because the one’s he makes them too won’t give a shit like I do. It’s a case of pay or else and they have the teeth and the lack of heart to do it.

The trouble is, the people who read this and got txt’ing to Matt about it only see things from the point of view of younger people. Not having kids themselves they don’t know how heartbreaking it is for a parent who gives a shit to see their kids screwing up so amazingly.

Matt is an adult. He has the right to do whatever he likes. If he wants to kill himself slowly by smoking then that’s his choice. If he wants to drink too much, again, his choice and if he wants to go bankrupt that’s his choice. All I am saying is that I can’t love him like I do and watch him doing it to himself. He won’t let me be a dad any more and help him, everything I say is apparently just because I like moaning and arguments so my role is over. By him being here he just upsets me because in my mind he’s always going to be my little boy despite him towering over me like he does. He had so much going for him, so many talents and a really good brain but he’s not interested in doing anything any more. All his dreams seem to have been thrown away to be replaced by minimum wage jobs, debt and addiction to either fags or spending. I just can’t help him any more. It’s not that I don’t want to but as anyone who really knows Matt will tell you, he’s the expert on everything and there is no opinion greater than his own.

If he came to me asking for help and really meaning it and prepared to do what he needed to do to get that help I would always be there for him. I have pleaded with him to allow me to help him with a budget. I have also asked him over and over to give up fags and cut down on the drinking. It’s on deaf ears 🙁

Anne is one of the best things to happen to him in a very long time. There is a chance that if he doesn’t screw it up with her that she will really help him and get him where he needs to be providing she isn’t seduced by his theories on life and how these things always sort themselves out eventually. They don’t and actually never have for Matt, he has just been lucky that each time he’s got himself in debt before there has been a lump sum to bail him out whether it be a student loan, my money or compensation from a chav attack.

If he moves he will be ultimately better off long term unless, of course, he just continues as he is here. In that case he will find himself living in mates space but I so hope that isn’t the case.

He says I repeat myself a lot … I do, I know it. It’s frustration of just not getting through to him how much I care and how much I need him to get himself sorted.

If anyone reading this is a mate then offer him some real help and don’t bitch about me as his dad, I am so not important in the great scheme of things when it comes to your relationship with Matt as your friend. I have friends who help me through my issues and I do listen and change. Right now Matt, the real Matt and not the Abbey St pretend Matt, needs his mates to be there for him and not telling tales out of school making matters worse.

One Reply to “An ‘Explosion’”

  1. As you say, those that know you are there for you and can see the big picture. As l have said before tough love can be difficult, but in the end it will be worth it

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