Today would have been the 74th Birthday of my mum. It’s amazing she has been dead 21 years now. I always hoped I’d one day remember her clearly after the shock of her death wore off but I never have. I can remember images at times of things we did, just silly things like her making a cup of tea (and spilling it all over the place), crying to me of how much of a burden she was (she really wasn’t though I must have acted like she was at the time). For all those visuals I have I can’t get any audio memories back. I have no idea how her every day talking voice sounded. It’s strange, other people I have known and lost it is though they are still around but when mum went she went near totally.

I guess this is how I eventually came to feel about most of my relatives. I was rejected big time either deliberately because they wanted nothing to do with me or through apathy that it never even crossed their mind they should contact me. I can’t help but get hurt we never get invited to what must be many family gatherings but this is not going to change now. One of the problems with having a good memory is that I can remember how close I felt to my family as a kid. I can remember imaging what it would be like to be an uncle, to be ‘uncle’ Steve and see them grow up and be at their weddings and stuff but it wasn’t going to happen. I am not sure I can ever truly come to terms with being cut off as I have even though I have got an acceptance of it and have had for many years.

So, my family now are my kids and John and, of course, my friends.

Matt seems to be getting hold of his life now. I so hope so anyway because I am sick of the arguments. I am still convinced that him moving out has to be the answer to many of his issues just because he did have to grow up fast and has clearly outgrown having to accept my rules around this house and needs to be master of his own home.

Daisy is being typically 14 and I can’t fault her for that. Trying to explain how others see things is important in her life. There are some things where we can just do our own thing and stuff what others think and then, there are times when it is paramount and how we put our arms around and how is one of those occasions. I am also trying to explain that boys think differently to girls and what she sees as a friendly hug may not be the same assumption from the boy … they are basically all thick thinking with their dicks!

Zoey is still struggling with life but learning quite slowly.

All of the kids are good in comparison to many others around but when each has a direct effect on me and how I feel (x3) then it can be really tiring at times!

On the plus side, when I expire at least my lot will have video to remind them of what I sounded like.