Some have accepted an invite, others I’ve added directly, there seems no way to alter the text of the Yahoo Group which mails out this blog to let anyone know it’s from me or that it has anything to do with sending out my blog entries to anyone … if you don’t want to get these, just delete yourself from the Yahoo Group.

Anyway, as I am now not currently using Facebook I thought that this could be a useful alternative for you to keep up with developments where I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t trust unless any of you pass it on, feel free to comment on the blog or, if you reply to this message, it’ll go to everyone anyway, not just me! If you want to just contact me then that is either by email at ste@outmedia.co.uk or on 07941 949603.

OK, to update anyone who isn’t aware, me and Deej split up a while back, he’s getting this so, as I’ve tried to tell everyone, why doesn’t matter and neither does who was to blame, I don’t want to go that route. Since July Javis has been back with us following a heart attack he had because of his drug use. Things went well for a while but went tits up again this week. Once again, why doesn’t matter, it’s just really emotional and upsetting to add to an already emotionally upsetting time. Who needs a theme park when my life is a roller coaster?

Speaking of which, me, Daisy and Adam are off to New York end of next month for a week same as me and Sean did earlier in the year. Am starting to look forward to it but still apprehensive for reasons I am not going to here.

Need to get the door on my car repaired, I say ‘my car’, it isn’t my car at all, it is Zoey’s car which me and Adam drive around. Javis damaged the door over the weekend (long story) so it needs fixing. Hopefully Adam knows someone who is going to not charge a fortune for it, anything under £100 would be good. Some other lovely person shunted a shopping trolley into one of the other doors a while back so, for a 2011 car, it’s already looking a little battered!

The car sums up a lot of my life whereby it looks great, near new car, large house etc but, it’s not mine, it’s all borrowed and can be taken away without too much difficulty, just a change in some rules and a bit of time along with my income on state benefits as Zoey’s Carer.

I am putting some serious thought into taking on fostering if I am allowed, I think I’d be good at it, it’s also a responsible income and allows me to freedom to pursue my photography as well. The money isn’t terrible, not amazing but liveable and I can supplement it with other income too as I’d be finally off benefits. The best part is, I may actually have a positive influence on someone else’s life, set them down the right path, maybe be a part of the system which doesn’t screw them up, I like being optimistic, it suits me. True, if I got offered a full time post with some responsibility in IT with photography included I’d give it some serious consideration but, making a difference is what I want to do with the second half of my life.

Am finding a need for an increased social life, am a little lacking in that department so any offers would be considered subject to my being able to afford it. My income is right down now, New York is going to be a real struggle especially as Javis used the last of my savings. So, saying no may have more to do with affordability than my avoiding anything.

This weekend I am still going down to Kent to visit relatives. we were going to cancel it but, what the hell.

Saturday I am doing a photoshoot for a theatre group in Hertfordshire. It’s important as it is the first actual serious one I’ve had and there will also be free advertising. I don’t earn any money from the photography but they will be paying my chosen charity the going rate for my work. It may lead to nothing or it could be my big break, either way, it is worth doing.

I still need to trim myself down, today I ate too much, feel really guilty. With our chief babysitter gone, it’s now more difficult to get to the gym for me and Daisy because mornings are best, evenings are way too crowded. I think we may need to start going on our own a lot more sadly … I may have to learn to take my hearing aids out and use an ipod and hope no one decides to have a chat with me! Should do some more swimming too, Daisy isn’t keen so going on my own makes sense … after the kids go back to school though, it’s a nightmare at the moment, not very good for the ipod though, swimming!

Annoying how stress and a little depression makes me feel so tired all the time. I need to be active as that produces endorphins which help me feel better but because I don’t, I feel crap which stops me! Body chemistry can be so damn frustrating at times.

Will need to regain some confidence before I can start being social with people I don’t really know, I am not ready for that as yet, still too emotional and telling my life story and and crying to new people is not really a good start I don’t think!

I think this will be enough for now, not all entries are this long! My actual blog is at the picture link below if you can see anything there!