I thought that my ability to cope was second to none. You know, yeah, shit happens but it doesn’t phase me, I’m good me.
Earlier on, this woman visits, a nurse type, quite nice and she’s here an hour or so talking about what her and her team are going to do for Zoey and it’s all good. Then she starts going on about how we’re coping, how difficult it must be, how we really need support at this really difficult time and I’m thinking … Eh? No, I’m good thanks, I don’t need anything, I am dealing with this shit, this is water off a ducks back to me, autopilot stuff.
So, she left but then I started thinking and remembered that thinking isn’t what we do when we’re in this situation, thinking is bad. But, I allowed myself to think for just long enough to start wondering if I was coping OK and, it was a little scary when I realised that … Despite my outward appearance (I think) of dealing with this all rather well, I might actually, just possibly, be doing a hell of a lot of internal screaming.
Now, that thought didn’t last so long but, clearly long enough to unsettle me and I don’t got time to get unsettled.
Reality is, Zoey was never going to be the one I had this huge issue with. Everything seemed smooth sailing there, nothing that I couldn’t easily sort out given some time. So, where did this come from?
Just when I think I’ve got things under control, I can see where this ship is heading, I go and hit this iceberg!
Don’t get me wrong, I am still 99% coping really well, there is now, thanks to this nice lady, that little questioning voice which wasn’t there before, just that tiniest of little squeaks making me question some of my decisions. Hmmm. I still think the glass is half full but I am questioning the structural integrity of the glass now!
It’s quite funny really, I am smiling as I write this. The total contrast between what is likely and what I am still convinced will be the outcome. I still cannot accept an outcome where this all goes tits up.
Thankfully, because I’ve always had this quiet faith I don’t really speak about, I am left feeling curious wondering what is going to happen I’ve not yet thought of, it’s almost exciting. I cannot believe I’ve got to this point just to lose everything.
Anyway, just thought I’d share those thoughts with you.
For the record for Friday, I am planning on being able to spend some quality time with Dennis tomorrow. Though I sometimes doubt whether I deserve Dennis or not and I wonder how on earth he can have any feelings at all for me, I don’t question how I feel about him. How he feels about me I can’t change and have no right to question, he may well wonder why the hell I love him to bits too! People are such a funny species!