The situation with Zoey doesn’t look to be resolving any time soon. I have to stop burying my head in the sand and hoping it will all go away and life will get back to normal. I’ve got to face my worst case scenario.

Zoey isn’t coming back and Sean & Daisy may well be moving out.

Annoyingly, I didn’t quite clear all my debts yet, stupidly close and, if things don’t change it’ll be fine but, things have changed and most likely will change more.

Zoey’s benefits stop on October 4th, that is in just a week and a few days time. Once that happens, all is not lost but I am struggling. I’ve switched my Caring role onto Robin as he says he needs me about but, doing that has cost Robin £40 a week, I need to make that up to him, he might say not to worry about it but that isn’t good enough. ‘I’ need to sort that. By the end of October the car gets cancelled too. I am trying to remain positive whilst being realistic too.

I could wait it out, Zoey might get better this side of Christmas and everything will ‘eventually’ be OK. Regardless of anything else I am going to the Philippines, the ticket is booked with no chance of a refund and I’d not cancel it anyway, it means everything to me getting to see and be with Dennis even if it is just for a few hours every day. Whilst I am there I have to make a decision. Do I just tighten my belt to a level the maths doesn’t really work for or, do I try, at my age, to go get a job?

If I opt for getting a job, the only real option as I can see at the moment I need to get one and get one with the prospects to have me earning some £20,000 by 2017. If I start down that road then, realistically I am saying that Zoey cannot ever come home again. Of course, I am 52, what are the chances of my getting a job at my age? I guess I shall have to find out. That’d be £9.80 an hour … hmm, I am just going to have to find that something! If Sean & Daisy move out I could also find a lodger, that’s potentially another £3,500 a year. On the off chance I can get someone to hire me at all and the job has prospects, I’d be doing OK eventually. Sure, for a couple of years it’d be a struggle but I’d be OK. When Dennis comes here and starts earning, we could live very comfortably indeed.

Oh my …. writing it down there it seems my mind is already decided. Either Zoey is home by Christmas or, she most likely doesn’t come home unless I fail to get a job! That sounds terrible, really uncaring but … dammit, she was never going to stay living with me forever anyway and it’s always my intention to get a job some time in 2017 too, it’s just going to bring forward the inevitable and, perhaps, with all this attention, at a time when she’ll get the best deal.

In the meantime, I might have to adjust my plans for immigration and the Philippines. If it all goes wrong I can’t keep paying money into our account over there, I will just have to find out what the minimum we could get away with is for a successful visa. Perhaps we’ve overestimated. I might have to ask Dennis to get some reliable advice from over there, here is likely to be too expensive.

Whatever is thrown at me here, I am resolute about one thing, my future is with Dennis, even though he’s not physically here, just knowing he’s out there loving me helps me get through each day. If God is telling me anything it is that I should not ignore what I have been given. I know very few people more connected to God than my very good friend Steve C and it was he who told me to follow my dream and go out there in November, perhaps he too was sent to guide me. There is no point in saying prayers each night if I don’t follow the signs I am given.

If Zoey can and does get better and playing it safe remains and option then, nothing lost, if not, I think I shall rise to the challenge of restarting my life after 23 years of full time parenting and caring.

Dennis, don’t get worried about this, you are part of the solution, not the problem. We have to have faith that things are going to unfold if we stick together and find a way ourselves. xxx

I am told Zoey is showing signs of improvement. She is eating more, she is … well, I am not entirely sure what else precisely it is she is doing above and beyond that.

She is barely drinking and her blood pressure is constantly low. She is in effectively a nappy (diaper) now because she’s decided she doesn’t much want to use the toilet any longer. She is still screaming at people and being violent when it suits her.

Most of this I know from what I am told.

Just about every time I am there I get virtually nothing and, why do I get virtually nothing? Because of ‘Susan’. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nurse and probably a really good one. She’s been doing her job for many years and, so I am told, does manage to get Zoey to do things. The thing is, whenever I am visiting I don’t get to spend any time with Zoey without this woman being involved like she’s family. Every time I try and talk to Zoey she’s listening and comments when she feels the need. I am using my years of experience with my daughter to encourage her to interact with me and this damn woman is suggesting I perhaps get her to drink something! I spent 40+ minutes with Zoey earlier with her facing the wall away from me laying down in bed. I just started to get her smiling then she turned to face to me as though she was about to say something and in comes Susan, sits herself on the chair next to me and says excuse her coming in but she really wanted to hear Zoey speak just to hear what she sounds like! Zoey immediately turned to face the wall again, moment lost. Each time I’ve visited recently she’s been there and it’s driving me nuts. I don’t want anyone there feeling bad because I’d worry then that Zoey wasn’t getting their best attention but, at the same time, it’s making me feel all the more like utter crap!

Just lately it feels like I am unable to help anyone. I also feel stupidly alone. You know, I want someone, not because I’ve asked but because they thought about it, to ask me out for a coffee. But, that’s not happening.

There are issues going on in my life here, serious long term issues I need to work out which affect the direction the rest of my life goes in. If Zoey doesn’t come home and soon, I have a serious problem. My main focus is that Zoey gets better, I love her to bits, she’s my daughter but, I’d be totally mad to ignore the consequences of the timing right now on me. If she doesn’t come home then, my next couple of years have the potential to be the most difficult and challenging of my life with no guarantee of success.

If only the Philippines had recognition for same sex relationships, grrr.

So, one aspect of my life is the best ever, the other is absolute mess up.

Clearly everyone wants me to answer that Zoey is doing great we’re all optimistic and life is good. Sorry to disappoint you. Right now I feel like I am losing my second child to something horrible and I can do nothing about it.

Keep praying people x

After my causing a huge fuss on Tuesday Zoey was finally moved to Berrywood Hospital in Duston.

She stayed over night in Harbour Ward for assessment but tonight she moved over to Bay Ward to start the much needed treatment phase.

I have zero idea what that entails at this stage, communication is a little patchy so I need to find out who I should be contacting for updates.

To the best of my knowledge she is eating, not sure how consistently but she’s eating and occasionally drinking too. Am totally unsure if she’s using the toilet as she should be yet though.

She’s had two visits today, this morning from Me and Daisy and this evening from Matt & Anne. Both those visits were good ones where Zoey was laughing and smiling.

They are more strict here, it’s not a case of just wandering in so, if someone wishes to visit, please let me know and I’ll give details, make sure someone else isn’t already visiting then as they have a strict 3 visitor maximum. If anyone wants to take under 18’s then they have a family room but this needs to be arranged in advance.

We decided to take the boys back to see Auntie Zoey this morning, they were looking forward to it.

She gave them an initial hug but said nothing. A quick smile and that was that.

We spent 40+ minutes with her during which she didn’t engage at all. She responded to her name, knew we were talking to her but didn’t vocalise at all. We eventually left and Danny was crying because Auntie Zoey wouldn’t speak to them.

They’ve also learnt that not eating and drinking leads to death and both the boys were really concerned that Zoey still refuses food and water.

In short, both me and Daisy felt stupidly guilty for taking them, I think we both knew it would be a risk but had to try it.

We were called yesterday and ‘maybe’ a placement has been found for Zoey at Berrywood which is not so far from here, just under 2 miles. ‘If’ she goes there then it will be on Monday. I really don’t have much confidence in the system at this stage.

Had a lovely chat with Dennis.

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This afternoon I must confess the boys have got a bit much for me. No ones fault, just kids being kids. I am in need of some reasonable quite time, I’ll settle for muffled 🙂