Me – October 14

Yesterday was difficult for me. It was mum’s birthday, she’s have been 82 but she died 29 years ago at 52, that’s younger than I am now and shows, we never do know how long we have with someone.

When someone dies we never really do get over it, we just learn to live with our new reality. We often ask ourselves what life would have been like if they were still here. I know for me, with mum, I felt she never really met me. Not the real me that I am today. She only knew this scared screwed up version of me, the one who only ever did what he thought he was meant to do and had no idea I could do what I wanted to do. Her reaction might have been totally negative but, I’d have liked to know.

Not many people who know me now knew mum and they may think to themselves, it’s 29 years, get over it. But, mum didn’t know my children or my grandchildren either. All the pleasures I have enjoyed she missed out on. She knew Jermaine was on his way but that’s as close as she got.

On another note, earlier on today I was chatting to Dennis, like I do, on Skype, he was tired and when I came back from getting a coffee he was asleep on the screen. It was like heaven just sitting here watching him sleeping, when he woke up he smiled and, well, it was one of ‘those’ moments that I wanted to last forever.

I am really nervous about the future, there are going to be so many changes and, easier as it is to just ride with it I want to take control of this, if I can. I need to live my life the right way, for me. For the family too but being honest about what I need, how I am going to move forward.

Prayers are said regularly, it helps me. Is it stuff just working out or am I getting some help? I don’t know, no one does but, it’s a nice thought that there might be some intervention going on.