Month: May 2017

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Quotes of Significance

 

I guess what I am meaning with this quote is that my brain tends to need to be exhausted before I sleep. Often times I go to bed at around 02:30 and fall straight to sleep, no thought process at all, just gone. My mind rarely settles until it stops functioning

This, to me, applies to friends. I have found that a strong friendship can build and then, in a flash there is zero interest in me. I never know if it was me or if it was them but, I invested my valuable time with people and it wasn’t worth my investment.

This is one of the truest quotes I found today

Sadly I do feel this is very true. I acknowledge that I might just not have enough memory of the man but the memory I have is of someone who couldn’t take the time, was only interested in sporting success and anything less wasn’t acceptable and, I am and always was, so much less than acceptable to him.

 

 

This is so true. Modesty, humility, love and compassion are all far more important than other achievements

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s true but, they grow up and move on. We lose our children so many times as they grow. Which parent hasn’t missed their adorable baby, toddler, 5 year old, 10 year old and so on? It’s like our hearts hold more love than we can affix to one person so we spread it over the then and the now

Dreams are our future or, the aspiration of our lives. If we do not dream of something awesome then, we get something less than awesome or, indeed, how would we know awesome if it found us?

I guess we all must have this fear. I can remember it was one of my very first recurring and terrible nightmares. Dreams of losing my mum or my Nan and now … it’s the thought of losing my kids or my grandkids and, of course, my adorable dearest.

 

I know this was the case with my mum. She was 52, I thought she’d be around for another 30 years or so, plenty to see me through to a ripe old age when I’d be coping well on my own.

On July 9th 1986 I still thought this. She’d been in hospital before, she was just run down was all and no one gave me any reason to believe otherwise. The following day, she was dead. A light went out in my heart and I lose my mum forever in this life.

 

Certainly true of me. I become quite irrational and emotional, desperate even and my usual ability to show restraint, be calm and thoughtful gets replaced by frustration bought about from fear.

 

 

We must all wonder this at times don’t we?

How does any of us know what others are thinking in their minds, feeling in their hearts when so few of us are afraid to say they value us?

 

 

 

This is something I like to try to do but, sometimes it is difficult to be kind when many of the other quotes on this page are in force at the time

 

 

 

 

 

Does anyone like to appear weak? But, is it weak to admit this? Surely it is the purest sign of love to fear the loss of someone?

 

 

I have a very big issue with being referred to as a ‘loser’. I believe this is another throw back to my father and his insistence that winning was the only reason to play a game, that not playing to win, no matter what that required (including cheating) was to be a loser

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Isn’t this just so true? There are so many people I thought were real friends over the years yet most have now gone elsewhere. It is surprising at times the reasons people give to quietly end a friendship. Never the honest one of saying it outright, always the excuses of how suddenly busy they are

I imagine we’ve all heard this quote before but it is still so very true and current. It also gets coupled with wondering if others feel about us how we feel about them and how easily someone we think if close to us, who ‘totally’ get’s us seems to not know us at all.

 

 

This one I honestly believe speaks volumes

But I did forget. The moment my mum died I lost all memory of her voice. I think I have her voice on an old recording here but, still I don’t recognise her. I remember my nan and various other more insignificant departed ones but, not mum and that hurts like crazy, like being punished over and over

 

 

How many of us with mental health issues recognise this one?

 

 

Sadly, so rarely do the people exist who understand the value of such things. The focus for many is on being right, proving they are right and defending their corner at all costs and we are all the less for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it does and anyone who thinks something isn’t important hasn’t yet seen the bigger picture

 

 

Sadly this all too often has to be the case, should be the case and often isn’t as over and over again we fail to see that the person we are trying to hold on to doesn’t care whether we do or not, only we care

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is vital we learn from every experience, good or bad. If we don’t, why bother getting up in the morning?

Have you ever experience unrequited love at all? I have and it hurts like crazy. Sometimes it’s the sort of love of attraction on a sexuality level, other times it’s desperately wanting to be close to someone as a friend and realise they are on your ‘A’ list whilst you don’t even qualify for their reserve list

I read this earlier and it put into words what I pray every day someone else will realise about me

Thankfully, I don’t feel this way now, I am just holding on to everything and it’s good but, previously in life, I have been to this place and it’s lonely in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It does sometimes feel this way doesn’t it? You know, that moment when we realise that one part of our life is reaching an en-pass and we have to move on. We think (hope) those dear to us will walk the path with us and yet, they only want what we used to be, have no interest in what we need to become

If only this were not true. It’s like we have to leave is a completely new species part of the exclusive club of those who have lost and those who have not, won’t understand.

 

 

This is very good advice. I and others I know need to take it

 

 

Don’t we all sometimes feel like this? We are most often our own very worst critics

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ouch to this one

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worth remembering I think

Sadly, this is when emotions are at the highest they can be and when others honestly believe we need to sort our shit out before they bother with us again

Oh dear, this is me all over this is!

Hands up anyone who can think of examples of when I screwed up doing this!

People don’t do they? I mean, when someone asks how your day has been, they demand that the answer is ‘fine’. In reality, so few of us like to hear, “well, actually …. “

I hope no one else ever has to feel this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Real World People disappear online

I am using GTA here as an example but this problem has been around for a while now with people forgetting that those they interact with online are actually real people. It’s a little like picking your nose at the wheel of the car and really believing no one can see you/ Sticking with the road rage analogy, it’s like road rage, inexplicably attacking a total stranger that almost certainly did something totally legal because it makes you feel silly.

I am of a generation where a game could be a game, even Cowboys and Indians didn’t involve actual physical violence though sometimes maybe if the opponent failed to fake die when shot with your pretend arrow but that was rare.

With the advent of computers came anonymity. The ability to pretend to be anyone, hide behind a screen and let loose without fear or reprisal. This was known as the Internet Troll. Their only purpose in life seemed to be to insult and provoke argument.

With the onset of the online game such as GTA we have given these people weapons, the power to truly dominate. They will seek out other players just going about their fun and annihilate them. They believe it’s ‘not personal’ because it’s just a game and they’re allowed to do that, it’s not explicitly banned so it must be OK. Except, generally it is against the rules but these rules are very randomly enforced, it all rather depends on how many people put in a complaint. They have a word, ‘griefing’ which means to constantly take out another player as soon as they spawn, players can and do get sanctioned for it but, again, this isn’t consistent, some get away with it unhindered.

So, it is the fault of @Rockstar, the game company who create Grand Theft Auto or is there a deeper issue here?

I believe it is the latter. It seems that the understanding between fun and respect has been lost.

Let me put this in terms of kicking about a football …. if a good player is playing with a novice, they’ve a choice, either assist the other player to attain a better standard of play and thus have a more equal contest in the future or, totally humiliate them making it abundantly clear how much more fun it is to win all the time and how, if they’re not having fun then, the problem is theirs alone.

This is what happens too often online. The better player plays alongside lesser players and rubs salt into their useless wound by constantly saying how much fun it is always winning and that the ‘loser’ (as the game calls them), needs to just live with it.

When this happens in the real world, he is elected President of the United States of America, we know him as Donald Trump.

It is a researched fact in psychology that when someone brags about their achievements, he loses respect of others, even those with more to brag about. There is a much forgotten quality, the ability to be humble and generous of spirit. Adopting that approach a person easily makes and maintains friendships …. except, not online.

Online encouraged adversarial play. It tells people to kill each other, to show no mercy and yet … what happens when these people are back in the real world? Is the one who won everything still superior? I suspect not so. Would they understand and accept when the tables are turned that they are no longer the popular one or would they think they are being ill served?

If only we remembered, online are ‘real’ people with feelings and emotions, they are not all brainless clones created by #rockstar games. 

One of my aims, if I can kick it off, is to try and turn this around, get others to ‘play nice’. Not sickly fingers down their throat nice but just considerate to ensure everyone in their party is having as good a time as they are.

My Dad always used to say, if you’re not playing to win, why bother? To me, it’s not winning that matters, it’s being equal to others, ensuring everyone is enjoying the same game to the best of their ability so, doing things a the level of all the players, not doing penalty shoot outs when one of the players can’t even kick the ball!

Just think on that for a while

 

Posted on

May

How awful is it that a person can corrupt a month in the way that the current leader of the Conservative Party has?

Anyway, moving on.

I applied for a job, I got shortlisted, went for an interview and the bottom line is, I didn’t get it. I didn’t explain myself well enough. I fell short as I was aware that I waffle and might have been in danger of explaining myself too much. The answers I gave were all good answers it seems but because they couldn’t fathom how I got to them, I did not finish as seems to be a common occurrence these days … take that as you will.

To be honest, I don’t want to talk about it, it’s one job, it’s in the past and where it should be. Dwelling on it will prevent me being focused on what I still need to do.

What that is I am not entirely sure right now. I was confident of the one I went for because I knew about it and I do know I would have been really good at it so, my interview skills failed me not my ability to do a job. Had it been my ability then I’d not feel quite so worried, a quick side movement to another type of career and I’d be sorted but, I now need to work out what I honestly don’t know, how to crack the nut of interviews in this decade!

My situation would be helped were I not in a dire financial mess. Quite soon I am not going to be able to hold our heads above water any more, there is only so much moving of debt around I can do. I honestly don’t feel I have time to get a job before that happens which is making it difficult to focus right now.

Add to that we only got 23 months before I have to have a job, actually ‘we’ have to be working and I am feeling the pressure. 

One thing I cannot control is the outcome of the election on June 8th. It looks as though the Tories are going to change the goalposts for future visa applications and raise the bar. It totally depends how high just how much we will be affected.

If I am still a full time unpaid carer then we’ll still qualify except, by that time we will be totally broke so it won’t much matter, we won’t be able to demonstrate self sufficiency.

All I need to do now is find a way to motivate myself and focus.

A lottery win of a substantial nature would certainly help.

As I said earlier though, I don’t want to enter into talks about this. There is nothing I am aware that anyone else can help with unless they’ve a job either of us can do!