Every school report I ever had said this, every damn report from every damn teacher. It gave me an expectation of doing better whilst also a sense of absolute utter failure that I never achieved more. ‘Could Do Better’ has followed me around my entire life. I have not excelled at anything that I can think of. Not something that one could call a ‘win’. I have no certificates which say I got somewhere, no trophy, no medal.

Whatever I try I feel like I ‘Could Do Better’. I was always told, ‘It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part’ … it’s an easy statement to make from the point of view of the winner. Taking part knowing that in the bottom few, if not the bottom, is not rewarding. The only thing the loser achieves is that they, by taking part, have saved someone else from being the loser.

This is my only real achievement in life, I help others. I am sure it is appreciated and has been, quite likely will be but, knowing I might have done … well, it’s like a deaf blind person knowing they might have one the race, if we don’t know it, if we don’t get the feeling of winning then, we really didn’t win at all.

‘Could Do Better’

The National Lottery … people like me win … £low

Each time I actually came into money I either needed to repay debt so, didn’t get any satisfaction other than knowing the bank was happy or, someone close to me died, that’s not satisfaction either.

Every job ‘Could Do Better’ …

I am 54 years old, I am wiping the shit off someone else’s arse for the same amount as a school leaver would get paid. Sure, I am making their last few days, weeks, months or years as good as I personally can but … I get a glimpse now and then of where this will ultimately get me. So apparently able am I that, well, I am not perceived as needing looking after, people don’t actually, very often, put themselves out for me, not even when I ask. I know for an absolute fact Karma does not exist.

It’s not for reward I do good things for others but, at the same time, it has to mean something right? Is it right that someone just exists to do good for others and that’s it? 

As so few seem to put themselves out to acknowledge what I have been to them, it brings me to the conclusion that I ‘Could Do Better’ but just like that little kid so many years ago, there is nothing left in me to do better, I am already doing ‘my’ best and, reality is, most of the time I feel like shit. Absolutely dead tired ‘all’ of the time and I hurt physically. Every day I feel I ‘Could Do Better’ but honestly, I don’t know how or whether I have the energy or, likely, the inclination any more.

I am not asking for anything here, writing because I feel, I am not the only one, this same pattern happened or is happening to others and, just knowing we’re not alone somehow helps.