Arachnid Revenge


So, last few days I’ve been killing myself blitzing the house of bugs, yeah, I know, it isn’t happening but go with me on this one!





I’ve been in all the dark places, I have had webs caress my face, I have seen scuttling across the floor. I’ve not even wanted to see what came off me in the shower. All this I did to know I am the man, I am the man in charge of his own house, the boss, the kingpin … no unwanted visitors here.





The wasps are OK, they die anyway.





Did I mention the steamer?





I had that baby squirting in all the dark corners blasting away at anything that moved or, anything which could potentially move, let’s not discriminate here.





Hey, what do you get if you cross a spider with a squirrel?
A spider that’ll run up your leg and eat your nuts (ouch)





The wasps are still dying by the way





The vacuum cleaner at one point must have been like a spider reunion in there, all shapes and sizes, they must have had an absolute blast. Probably met spiders that’s not seen in months, ex spiders in the same places, the spider that went off with his secretary, the one that went off with the priest, boy what a complicated web they weave.





I heard tell that even the Irish spider was in there amongst them, ah yes, good old Paddy Longlegs.





Thankfully, for these spiders, I am not Liam Neeson. “I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you”





I put my own spin on in and try not to kill them, I am nice like that





Anyway, last night, sitting at my PC after Dennis had gone to bed going through the news … May shocked that the EU rejected her deal, no shit mother f*****! Donald Trump goes off on one to a female reporter … well, yes, that’s what he does. USN laughs at Trump showing off … good on you, some respect for you even if it did take a while for the ripple to spread because of translation! What he said was funny in any language …. “Since I have been in office, we have achieved more than any (nearly) any other administration” Come on, you gotta laugh! Beckham uses expensive lawyer to make a joke of the English legal system to avoid points on his driving licence and a small fine … yeah, go twat face, respect for that man, not. Tommy Robinson doesn’t care about UK law if he believes it is morally wrong. I believe Tommy Robinson is morally wrong, go figure. 






‘Donald Trump has backed his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh following the judge’s emphatic denial of sexual assault allegations.’ This isn’t news, this is Trump being Trump and backing his man up until the point he fires him.





Hmm, I think we’re getting into the realms of sandwiches here which most of my readers won’t get but, funny story, trust me on this one, another time maybe.





So, I am sitting there, on my PC, OK, look, that’s a lie, obviously, I mean, why would I sit on my PC right? Why do we say such stupid things? I was sitting on a chair, not my PC, I was using my PC. Hey, don’t get my wrong, it likes being used, it’s that sort of PC, we have an arrangement, I am the boss, the PC gets used. No, I don’t pay my PC, you’re reading way too much into this …  I do not abuse my PC, I just use it. I know that sounds bad but honestly, it’s a PC already, as yet, it’s not intelligent (no offence PC but you’re not) so, it gets used, just live with it.

OK, OK already … I am working ‘with’ my PC Jeez! 





The main light was off, I have a little reading light to my right, glorified torch if I am honest but it’s more pleasant late at night than the harsh main light.





Here I am, right hand on the desk on my mouse, not a real mouse, why would I have my hand on a real mouse? No, I have nothing against mice as such, lovely little things, cute noses but this wasn’t an actual mouse … OK … yes, of course it was an ‘actual’ mouse but not a living mouse … oh my God! No, it wasn’t a damn dead mouse, why do you keep interrupting me? It was a handheld moving, pointing device. Yes, I know I could have just said that and avoided all that but … look, we’re way off topic here.





Out the corner of my eye I saw some movement, probably totally distracted by Trump I didn’t react, I should have.

Mr Spider starts … what do you mean, how did I know it was a male? Yes, I know I said ‘Mr’ but, it might have been a male, I don’t know, yes, I know, I should be more accurate in my reporting, it was sloppy, forgive me.





A non gender specific spider … Oh boy, really? There is a problem with non gender specific? Yes, it’s is true, perhaps the spider very strongly identifies as female, I didn’t know, again, sloppy of me and pure speculation.

I was unaware of the gender of the spider, it really didn’t matter … yes, I respect it probably matters to the damn spider! You know what, screw the spider, it wasn’t that interesting a story to start off with, damn spider, walks across my hand, jumps onto my top, walks all the way down my leg, there, that’s all I wanted to say and now I have gone and made people read a load of stuff they didn’t need to read, I hope you’re proud of yourself!






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