Author: Steve Antipolo

I thought that my ability to cope was second to none. You know, yeah, shit happens but it doesn’t phase me, I’m good me.

Earlier on, this woman visits, a nurse type, quite nice and she’s here an hour or so talking about what her and her team are going to do for Zoey and it’s all good. Then she starts going on about how we’re coping, how difficult it must be, how we really need support at this really difficult time and I’m thinking … Eh? No, I’m good thanks, I don’t need anything, I am dealing with this shit, this is water off a ducks back to me, autopilot stuff.

So, she left but then I started thinking and remembered that thinking isn’t what we do when we’re in this situation, thinking is bad. But, I allowed myself to think for just long enough to start wondering if I was coping OK and, it was a little scary when I realised that … Despite my outward appearance (I think) of dealing with this all rather well, I might actually, just possibly, be doing a hell of a lot of internal screaming.

Now, that thought didn’t last so long but, clearly long enough to unsettle me and I don’t got time to get unsettled.

Reality is, Zoey was never going to be the one I had this huge issue with. Everything seemed smooth sailing there, nothing that I couldn’t easily sort out given some time. So, where did this come from?

Just when I think I’ve got things under control, I can see where this ship is heading, I go and hit this iceberg!

Don’t get me wrong, I am still 99% coping really well, there is now, thanks to this nice lady, that little questioning voice which wasn’t there before, just that tiniest of little squeaks making me question some of my decisions. Hmmm. I still think the glass is half full but I am questioning the structural integrity of the glass now!

It’s quite funny really, I am smiling as I write this. The total contrast between what is likely and what I am still convinced will be the outcome. I still cannot accept an outcome where this all goes tits up.

Thankfully, because I’ve always had this quiet faith I don’t really speak about, I am left feeling curious wondering what is going to happen I’ve not yet thought of, it’s almost exciting. I cannot believe I’ve got to this point just to lose everything.

Anyway, just thought I’d share those thoughts with you.

For the record for Friday, I am planning on being able to spend some quality time with Dennis tomorrow. Though I sometimes doubt whether I deserve Dennis or not and I wonder how on earth he can have any feelings at all for me, I don’t question how I feel about him. How he feels about me I can’t change and have no right to question, he may well wonder why the hell I love him to bits too! People are such a funny species!

If at all possible, could you maybe send around £75,000 my way. This would no solve all my problems but it would make my future very happy indeed.

Of course, should you, dear Lottery, see fit for a few £million then, I could use that very sensibly and generously.

You see, I know a few people both in the UK and elsewhere whose lives would be changed completely by not a lot of money sent their way.

So, if you could possibly, just swing some cash like that my way, I would be most ever so grateful.

I am going to compress this as much as I can.

Over the last few days I have been pestering rather a lot of people to get off their fence and do something for Zoey. I’ve had Health, Social Service and Mental Health all stepping backward trying not to step up and take control. As a consequence of that, Zoey has received only observational care. No way am I knocking what has been done for her on the ward but their hands have been tied. Without any legal back up all they could do was observe and watch Zoey get steadily worse.

I kind of blew a mini gasket earlier and insisted that I’d not allow matters to go one more day. If they didn’t do something today I would be raising at the very least, a complaint of neglect of duty.

After nearly an entire day of waiting around with Matt we finally got the decision that Zoey was sectioned under section 2. That means they can now do what they need to do in Zoey’s best interests.

By the time we left they were querying whether or not Zoey might be suffering some sort of organ damage/failure. They had managed to get a cannula in and were pumping her with vitamins and fluids.

The issue is, once her physical health is looking better they want to transfer her to a mental health ward and, as things stand, there are none in the county so they’re looking where in another county she might go. Our argument is, why not leave her just where she is and use the mental health resources they are already planning to put in temporarily as the best practise way of getting her better rather than move her many miles away from family. They agree it makes sense but then argue that they’ve not done that before and don’t think they can do it … find me a wall, I’ll keep hitting my head on it!

Daisy was a great help yesterday getting Zoey to partially attack a McDonalds meal, Matt was great today with a meal for Zoey and he also had a lot of help from Dennis, yes, already from the other side of the planet Dennis is helping out trying to get Zoey better. Isn’t Skype a wonderful thing! Anne & Sean have also played a significant and important role. As a family we’ve all stuck together and it was lovely to have that acknowledged up the hospital today, very nice indeed.

Repeated on Facebook

At the moment, some of you might have noticed, we’re going through a difficult time.

Life is about difficult times too. What happens when a family goes through a tough time is one of two things, they blow apart or they stick ever closer together.

I am so incredibly proud of how my family has stuck together. I honestly believe that we are all the stronger for the tough times we share and it helps us appreciate the good times.

For me, also, it means a lot, I mean, deep down a lot, to have my extended family in the Philippines. Dennis and his family and friends. His mum writes me quite a lot and I know they say prayer there too.

Over here and around the world I have friends saying prayers all over the place, Steve & Rosie down in Kent, Jonny over in NYC, Daniel in Atlanta.

Those who don’t have a faith are still talking to something or someone asking for help even the total non believers.

What will be will be. I have to trust that this works out even if now we have no clue what the outcome will be.

Sure, it’s more upsetting than I can put into words to have your little girl begging to come home and having to walk away. I’ve actually done it all too often with my kids, had to push them away, it never hurts less. I carry the guilt every moment of every day. Knowing it is the best thing for them doesn’t make it better, it just rationalises it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am fairly certain I am just voicing what every parent goes through to one extent or another. You know, the first day at school walking away when they have tears running down their face and we’re bottling ours up because we need to be strong for them … wow … worse yet, when they give us a big smile and turn away without a care in the world and we still have that lump in our throat because our little baby is growing up … ouch.

Whoever said parenting is easy is probably a man and he probably works and only sees the kids at the weekend! But hey, I am not stereotyping here, if that applies to you and your not a working man, put your hands up if you think parenting is easy!

We’re going to be OK us lot, all of us, there is love there. No one goes through this much muck in their lives without working out that sometimes we need a little manure to help us grow as people!

But look, your worries might seem small compared to ours but they are big to you, it’s all relative. Someone who has never been ill might think they are having the worst experience on earth when they have a cold and to them, that’s the truth. It’s not a competition. We will all at some point in our lives know someone worse off than us. As my youngest said to me earlier and, I shall paraphrase … it doesn’t matter if I am always in pain with headaches dad, if you have a headache then you have a damn headache!

I cannot wait to welcome Dennis into our family … of course, he’d have to ask me to marry him first but, if he did, I’d really give it some serious consideration.

Zoey will come home to us, it’s all going to work out