Author: Steve Antipolo

I am getting somewhat disillusioned with the net and my ability to find new soul mates upon it. Logically there are guys there for the finding but I just don’t seem to be pressing the right buttons just now.

My theory? It’s me, I really just want to be going down that route of cum and go as is commonplace. I guess I am a relationship kind of guy. There are a multitude of problems here that I need to talk to someone that will let it wash over them or offer to help out when they can. I know my friends will do that but it’s not the same as having a special someone. That and it is nice to hear regularly of the normal outside world beyond these four walls that I have been trapped behind for so long.

Now, I so need to get away and stay over at a friends house now and then but, and here is the bit that makes perfect sense to me but maybe only me, I want to be invited. Sure I can just call and say I am bored and I want to come over and they may say yes but that is not the same as them wanting me to be there. I need, right now, to be wanted as a friend and not just have guys feel sorry for me.

Of course I know there is Robin, he’s lovely, love him to bits but I need to have other friends. With Robin and I, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, it feels like two lost souls looking out for each other because no other bugger can be arsed. It’s great to have someone like that but not the same as guys that genuinely think to themselves, when they have a choice of what to do, let’s ask Steve over for the weekend.

Yesterday I was debating whether or not I was depressed and, totally honestly, no, I’m not. I am very lonely but that isn’t the same thing at all. Being a single parent and a single gay parent is really tough. I don’t know other straight parents and I don’t know of any gay guys right now that really want to get to know a gay dad. The thought of that persisting for another decade or so I can see is something that well and truly could lead me to depression big time.

Right now, I don’t think I can resolve this feeling, it is something that needs to come from outside, so, until then, I shall keep plodding along trying to spread my little bit of cheeriness to others.

Somehow 7/7 doesn’t quite have the ring to it that 9/11 did but all the same, cowardly terrorists calmly attacked innocent civilians in London this morning and reeked havoc on the cities transport system and on our future tourism.

What did they achieve by these attacks? Well, nothing of course, how could they? London and the UK survived 5 years of killings during the Second World War and still we prevailed and fought off our enemies. So, some crack pots fighting in the name of their own version of religion believe that a few bombs in our capital are going to change anything in this country of ours?

These people are cowards and bullies, they deserve no sympathy or any attempt at understanding.

I could not help but notice just how quiet the net has been today. Hardly anyone seemed to be about, today is not a day for triviality I think.

Somehow 7/7 doesn’t quite have the ring to it that 9/11 did but all the same, cowardly terrorists calmly attacked innocent civilians in London this morning and reeked havoc on the cities transport system and on our future tourism.

What did they achieve by these attacks? Well, nothing of course, how could they? London and the UK survived 5 years of killings during the Second World War and still we prevailed and fought off our enemies. So, some crack pots fighting in the name of their own version of religion believe that a few bombs in our capital are going to change anything in this country of ours?

These people are cowards and bullies, they deserve no sympathy or any attempt at understanding.

I could not help but notice just how quiet the net has been today. Hardly anyone seemed to be about, today is not a day for triviality I think.

Please don’t be offended Steve

I am cancelling my visit up to you next week.

This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly.

Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control.

I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had the kids and would probably have stayed with him as long as I could. The thing is, I was young and in love and when we are like that, that is all that matters. He knows I will always love him, I guess feelings like that just don’t go away. I am not sure about fancying him now, honey, you need to lose some weight and give up the ciggies before that could happen but, deep down the guy I loved is still there and so is the love.

This week has not really been a good one for me. I have not felt 100% all week and, to top that off, hardly any of the new contacts I have made have come to anything, I have had to do all the running and it seems fruitlessly. So, I think it is a case of coast until after I get back from Gran Canaria and then try again, see who else is out there.

On the plus side, there are some guys I am talking to that are making me very happy right now just they live so far away so actually meeting them is problematic. There are some guys closer to home but it is going to take quite some time of chatting I think before I can start thinking about meeting them. So, for now, I am at a loss of places to go, people to meet but then, I still don’t feel quite right so maybe that is good timing!