Year: 2018

Posted on

Understanding M.E.


It may seem like I go on about M.E. quite a lot. Probably I do.





You see, if I had a broken leg, it would be obvious. Many might understand how debilitating a migraine is, some might also ‘get’ mental health issues … though, that’s pushing it.





M.E. is invisible (mostly). It makes the person who has it look like a lazy good for nothing who is just looking for excuses not to do things, to avoid work. I hear people tell me that ‘we all get tired’. This is true but, with M.E., you don’t get tired, we ‘are’ tired, all of the time. Not just a little sleepy, but that sort of tired that happens at bedtime or, after a huge meal. That sort of tired like jet leg where the brain simply doesn’t function or, when it is, it’s like we are not fully in control and mistakes happen. Forgetting things, misplacing bits and bobs.





Sometimes I just randomly sleep, no idea I am even doing it.





Every day has to be planned, paced. I can keep going if I know what I am doing and know when I am doing nothing. The theory doesn’t always work, with the best plans sometimes it just gets too much. I am functioning but sort of not at the same time.





Many will pass it off as the results of depression or anxiety because they do tend to go along with the condition. Let’s face it, you really want to do something exciting but your body and mind are just hitting the sleep button. That’s going to lead to some emotional issues. Serious anxiety.





I have just started a new job and my anxiety levels are through the roof.





Example using today …. now, tomorrow I have a 3pm – 10pm shift. Today I was up at 07:30am. By 11am I was exhausted, barely able to communicate so crashed out in bed. I remained in bed until gone 4pm! When I ‘woke up’ I felt the same as I did when I went to bed! All afternoon and evening I have struggled to stay awake and been aching loads, every joint hurts, every muscle. Pain relief doesn’t make much of a dent.





With the tiredness comes depression, bad moods and frustration.





I, unlike many, are in my 50’s, this can affect anyone at any age. So, I get the excuse that these things are expected at my age. No they’re not thank you very much for your opinion.





I want and need to work yet, any job I can get I cannot really manage! I lie to myself and tell myself I can work on, get through it but, the reality is, it’s too much for me.





I also have tennis elbow, a result of a bad judgement call I would not normally make but I was on autopilot at the time and not fully in control. This huge pain is expected to last for a few years assuming it ever heals. The other day I couldn’t even put a damn sock on a client because it was too painful … let’s get real, most mornings I struggle to dress myself!





So, I have added a link here. M.E. comes in varying degrees, mine is some sort of middling one, not the most extreme but not the least either. It’s all the same condition though and, keeping going doesn’t actually make it better, it makes it worse if anything. I just keep going because we need the money.





I only just got diagnosed though I have had it a few years, it’s got worse the last year or so.





There is no cure






https://www.facebook.com/meassociation/

Posted on

Arachnid Revenge


So, last few days I’ve been killing myself blitzing the house of bugs, yeah, I know, it isn’t happening but go with me on this one!





I’ve been in all the dark places, I have had webs caress my face, I have seen scuttling across the floor. I’ve not even wanted to see what came off me in the shower. All this I did to know I am the man, I am the man in charge of his own house, the boss, the kingpin … no unwanted visitors here.





The wasps are OK, they die anyway.





Did I mention the steamer?





I had that baby squirting in all the dark corners blasting away at anything that moved or, anything which could potentially move, let’s not discriminate here.





Hey, what do you get if you cross a spider with a squirrel?
A spider that’ll run up your leg and eat your nuts (ouch)





The wasps are still dying by the way





The vacuum cleaner at one point must have been like a spider reunion in there, all shapes and sizes, they must have had an absolute blast. Probably met spiders that’s not seen in months, ex spiders in the same places, the spider that went off with his secretary, the one that went off with the priest, boy what a complicated web they weave.





I heard tell that even the Irish spider was in there amongst them, ah yes, good old Paddy Longlegs.





Thankfully, for these spiders, I am not Liam Neeson. “I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you”





I put my own spin on in and try not to kill them, I am nice like that





Anyway, last night, sitting at my PC after Dennis had gone to bed going through the news … May shocked that the EU rejected her deal, no shit mother f*****! Donald Trump goes off on one to a female reporter … well, yes, that’s what he does. USN laughs at Trump showing off … good on you, some respect for you even if it did take a while for the ripple to spread because of translation! What he said was funny in any language …. “Since I have been in office, we have achieved more than any (nearly) any other administration” Come on, you gotta laugh! Beckham uses expensive lawyer to make a joke of the English legal system to avoid points on his driving licence and a small fine … yeah, go twat face, respect for that man, not. Tommy Robinson doesn’t care about UK law if he believes it is morally wrong. I believe Tommy Robinson is morally wrong, go figure. 






‘Donald Trump has backed his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh following the judge’s emphatic denial of sexual assault allegations.’ This isn’t news, this is Trump being Trump and backing his man up until the point he fires him.





Hmm, I think we’re getting into the realms of sandwiches here which most of my readers won’t get but, funny story, trust me on this one, another time maybe.





So, I am sitting there, on my PC, OK, look, that’s a lie, obviously, I mean, why would I sit on my PC right? Why do we say such stupid things? I was sitting on a chair, not my PC, I was using my PC. Hey, don’t get my wrong, it likes being used, it’s that sort of PC, we have an arrangement, I am the boss, the PC gets used. No, I don’t pay my PC, you’re reading way too much into this …  I do not abuse my PC, I just use it. I know that sounds bad but honestly, it’s a PC already, as yet, it’s not intelligent (no offence PC but you’re not) so, it gets used, just live with it.

OK, OK already … I am working ‘with’ my PC Jeez! 





The main light was off, I have a little reading light to my right, glorified torch if I am honest but it’s more pleasant late at night than the harsh main light.





Here I am, right hand on the desk on my mouse, not a real mouse, why would I have my hand on a real mouse? No, I have nothing against mice as such, lovely little things, cute noses but this wasn’t an actual mouse … OK … yes, of course it was an ‘actual’ mouse but not a living mouse … oh my God! No, it wasn’t a damn dead mouse, why do you keep interrupting me? It was a handheld moving, pointing device. Yes, I know I could have just said that and avoided all that but … look, we’re way off topic here.





Out the corner of my eye I saw some movement, probably totally distracted by Trump I didn’t react, I should have.

Mr Spider starts … what do you mean, how did I know it was a male? Yes, I know I said ‘Mr’ but, it might have been a male, I don’t know, yes, I know, I should be more accurate in my reporting, it was sloppy, forgive me.





A non gender specific spider … Oh boy, really? There is a problem with non gender specific? Yes, it’s is true, perhaps the spider very strongly identifies as female, I didn’t know, again, sloppy of me and pure speculation.

I was unaware of the gender of the spider, it really didn’t matter … yes, I respect it probably matters to the damn spider! You know what, screw the spider, it wasn’t that interesting a story to start off with, damn spider, walks across my hand, jumps onto my top, walks all the way down my leg, there, that’s all I wanted to say and now I have gone and made people read a load of stuff they didn’t need to read, I hope you’re proud of yourself!






Posted on

Confused & Bemused!


I thought it was simple, search for job, get job, do job, loads of money, retire, sorted!





I thought people who had more than one job were crazy.





I thought zero hour contracts were for the scum, the people at the bottom of the employment chain who can’t get anything better.





Less than 18 months in to my employment reboot after nearly 30 years as an unpaid carer, I am doing my last few days of job number 4.





I potentially have two other jobs lined up, both zero hours, nothing certain





I am really just sick of it all. Always, I knew, get to be over 50 and it is going to be tough but, I didn’t realise just how tough.





Keeping my optimism is quite difficult now. Remaining upbeat challenging know how financially we’re going to be screwed!

Something will turn up, now would be good. Just right for me, even better. A role where I can manage my M.E. not put too much strain on my tennis elbow, perhaps have a quality home life and get paid at least a worthwhile income every month.





I am possibly in need of a fairy Godmother, or fairy Godfather, I am not sexist!

If that is too much to ask for, a lottery win to cover all our debt, cover the future visa costs and, to allow me to enjoy life despite my ‘conditions’.





Hmmm 🙂  ?


Posted on

ME with M.E.






… Sometimes … well, most times …





My brain is working on hyperdrive. I never stop thinking about all sort of things, not worrying, thinking. I could be trying to remember what we have in the freezer. How am I going to pay the bills? Is this task or that task going to get done? Do people like me? I am going to concentrate on that idiot driving in front of me, watch my speed, keep my distance, time my route, get there on time, park here or … maybe there. When I get there I am going to, several different options, think on that. My knees really hurt, my vision is blurred again, my eye feels like sandpaper is rubbing on the inside, my hearing aid is whistling, that’s really annoying and, I can’t hear the music either. Memo to self, change playlist, add this, take away that.





That’s the first few minutes of just a single journey …





Every day I get all that going on, all the time, every waking moment of every day all at the same time as my body is telling me it’s going into shut down mode. I am too tired, I’ve not had enough sleep, the more I think the more I am going to feel crap. By 3pm I feel how I used to feel at 3am. Sleep only takes those feelings away, it turns off my complaining mind and body and kills some time. Then, I wake up and it all starts again.





Pain? Discomfort?





For sure, I’ve what is referred to as ‘my allergies’. It’s a cover for what the real issue is. I have allergic rhinitis, this means a great deal of artificial chemicals, even if I don’t knowingly smell them, make me feel ill ranging from sneezing to flu like symptoms. Yeah, that sucks. I got a condition called ‘Uticaria’ … yeah, WTF right? It means my skin is stupid sensitive. Without a lot of meds I look like a mild burn victim or a someone who does repeated suicide attempts with a razor blade. Any pressure anywhere on my skin makes it crazy itchy. It lumps up, goes bright red and can last for hours, I mean, any pressure, anywhere. Not too many details but there is no underwear which stops one part of my anatomy feeling pressure from another and when ‘down there’ has an itch like no other itch, it’s hell to ignore it. Arthritis in my knees, yeah, that sucks too. I got pains in my left arm now too, you know, just in case I was feeling like I was missing out!





So, what do I do?





Fight on,.Hey, you think I have choices here? No, this is my life! Barely any of these are visible conditions, many on their own are horrible, together, they’re unbearable at times but, even those who know forget. When I say I am feeling whacked, that’s me saying, no, not just now, I really can’t. If I say ‘OK’ that means, sure, I’ll feel like shit but, either, I need the money or, you’re worth what I am having to go through. So, I work through because, that really is the only option isn’t it?





Does anyone care?





Sometimes