First Post of 2020

This is a really insignificant post if I am totally honest .. and I generally am.

I didn’t set any new year resolutions, not really my thing and mainly because I know life has a way of happening differently.

Updates as to where I am in 2020. I am now parentless, it happens. I was very lucky to have at least one parent survive into my 50’s and still so ever so sad that my mum never got to know the real me at all. That finality happened last year so this is the first year of me being at that next level, in other words, the next generation expected to die! Let’s get real, it’s the way life is and we wouldn’t want it anyway, parents should die before their children, they just should.

My health condition has continued to get worse, no connection to the previous paragraph this, just how things are and I don’t expect it to kill me, just make life more difficult than I would like. Certainly it is fair to say that I need to make some changes but with my limited choices, I don’t much like those changes! Trying to get that balance between my longevity and my enjoyment of life is a challenge.

I’ve got to make some positive steps for my future over the next few months. I cannot keep being a victim of the State system, I have to find a way to make it work for me and that’s nowhere near as easy to do as it is when I am fighting for others. So far I am in the situation where for each two steps forward I am a step back again for one reason or another. It is very frustrating. I can say that I feel my country is not the country I grew up in. Back in the day we used to complain if we had to wait an hour for our GP to see us, now we have to accept that we may not get an appointment at all or we must wait several weeks for a telephone consultation. Same with the police. 999 doesn’t work any more, there is very little real protection. Even if we can get the police to take interest we are expected to get the evidence ourselves if we want them to proceed, it’s all about cutting costs. Social Services just insisted on my Zoey doing a voluntary job (don’t worry, we’ll overturn that one). There is no benefit to her doing this, she doesn’t want to and it wouldn’t work for her. She’s actually at a very delicate moment having just come off all her meds and the only logical reason to suggest it is so that social services can cut her care budget. If she goes and does ‘work’ then she doesn’t need a carer, saves them money, screws up Zoey but, the money part is the priority they have to work by.

I can categorically say I am not suffering from depression and mainly not anxiety either. That said, when my body just stops functioning when I am out and about, that’s quite an anxious moment. It happens all too frequently as well.

My body clock is screwed, it’s 04:17 right now and I don’t feel very sleepy at all. Annoyingly, even if I force myself to stay away all of tomorrow to compensate it won’t make any difference! It’ll still be me into the wee small hours trying to sleep!

Ironically, this was meant to come across as positive because I still feel positive about life yet, somehow it reads really negative. Perhaps I just do my most positive thinking in negative situations? 🙂

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