Author: Steve Antipolo

Today I can honestly say I have never before been covered in so much poo! It was everywhere and anywhere. A simply helping out of someone seemed to have the inevitable poo outcome but, these are the joys of minimum wage jobs. It is a mystery to me how jobs like this with such a huge personal level of responsibility and, a huge amount of poo, can possibly get paid so little when other far easier and cosier jobs get paid loads.

None of this is helped by it costing me around £2000 a year to get too and from work which means I work for an hour a day just to get there and back! Totally bonkers!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, it’s just perfect apart from the location and the salary. After all, we cannot just forget that the reason we work is to earn a living, the best we can, it matters.

If something goes wrong with the car I am screwed, I cannot get to work and that’s not acceptable in any way.

So, sadly, I either get a pay rise to cover the costs which will also help me buy a smaller car so I can use that AND have a back up … which Dennis will eventually drive. So that, or I get a similar job on the same salary within walking distance thus awarding myself a £2000 a year pay rise. Ironically, the journey time might be just as long but at least I am certain of getting there and back.

I have a new spare wheel now, getting a new tyre tomorrow hopefully and then get it fitted. A typical example of mad panic because the car is off the road and I need it for work the next day! It will be sorted for the weekend which I am not working.

Muchly looking forward to the Fireworks and Alton Towers this year possibly on November 4th as I plan to have that weekend off so it gives me the 5th still. I can bet my bum that if I didn’t ensure I had the 5th off I’d be doing an early shift on that day!

My health … apparently I’ve another vitamin D deficiency again. The symptoms are identical to what I am experiencing but then it does seem very unlikely that one little thing could resolve so much. I can say for total certainty I am sick of feeling night time tired all of the time. I am not over playing this, I honestly could just stay in bed all day every day I am that tired. I can’t concentrate properly so often too it’s horrendous! Added to that the pointless anxiety and depression and weight gain, muscle and joint pain, I feel bloody awful every day. Some of the residents at work move better than I do!

I have heard these words a few times now. Somehow things do seem to be dropping into place at work. It is just making sense and isn’t so scary.

What a shame it’s so far away and so badly paid.

Every school report I ever had said this, every damn report from every damn teacher. It gave me an expectation of doing better whilst also a sense of absolute utter failure that I never achieved more. ‘Could Do Better’ has followed me around my entire life. I have not excelled at anything that I can think of. Not something that one could call a ‘win’. I have no certificates which say I got somewhere, no trophy, no medal.

Whatever I try I feel like I ‘Could Do Better’. I was always told, ‘It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part’ … it’s an easy statement to make from the point of view of the winner. Taking part knowing that in the bottom few, if not the bottom, is not rewarding. The only thing the loser achieves is that they, by taking part, have saved someone else from being the loser.

This is my only real achievement in life, I help others. I am sure it is appreciated and has been, quite likely will be but, knowing I might have done … well, it’s like a deaf blind person knowing they might have one the race, if we don’t know it, if we don’t get the feeling of winning then, we really didn’t win at all.

‘Could Do Better’

The National Lottery … people like me win … £low

Each time I actually came into money I either needed to repay debt so, didn’t get any satisfaction other than knowing the bank was happy or, someone close to me died, that’s not satisfaction either.

Every job ‘Could Do Better’ …

I am 54 years old, I am wiping the shit off someone else’s arse for the same amount as a school leaver would get paid. Sure, I am making their last few days, weeks, months or years as good as I personally can but … I get a glimpse now and then of where this will ultimately get me. So apparently able am I that, well, I am not perceived as needing looking after, people don’t actually, very often, put themselves out for me, not even when I ask. I know for an absolute fact Karma does not exist.

It’s not for reward I do good things for others but, at the same time, it has to mean something right? Is it right that someone just exists to do good for others and that’s it? 

As so few seem to put themselves out to acknowledge what I have been to them, it brings me to the conclusion that I ‘Could Do Better’ but just like that little kid so many years ago, there is nothing left in me to do better, I am already doing ‘my’ best and, reality is, most of the time I feel like shit. Absolutely dead tired ‘all’ of the time and I hurt physically. Every day I feel I ‘Could Do Better’ but honestly, I don’t know how or whether I have the energy or, likely, the inclination any more.

I am not asking for anything here, writing because I feel, I am not the only one, this same pattern happened or is happening to others and, just knowing we’re not alone somehow helps.

There are places around the world I still want to do. Some I have done before, and want to do again, others are part of a set so, I really have to do them all. Case in point, every Disney theme park on the planet! I currently tally 4 so, two left and both in Asia. Asia gets three parks, Europe just the one and the US gets 2. I personally find that quite peculiar! 

The Grand Canyon from the top. I have done the helicopter trip which lands down below so, obviously, I’ve seen it from the top but, I just want to stand there and look down.

Palawan, Philippines, it just looks so amazing.

Washington DC. It is just so iconic. Of course, I’d rather the orange peril wasn’t the sitting tenant of the White House. There is so much to see in the city.

Further on the list would be a return to Venice, so unique. I really feel I am missing out by not seeing Greece, Athens and all that. Los Angeles again because there was so much I didn’t have time for (and a lot I want to do again). Australia but, only to see family there. Tokyo but then, they have a Disney so that one is inevitable! Two I have not done (and should have) are Scotland and Ireland … shame on me. 

There is nothing else there as far as I am aware and, it’s not really near anywhere but … that bridge that George Bailey jumps off in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. The film has been with me as one of my favourites my entire life, being there would be very special to me.

Apparently it’s in New York State so, perhaps it is dooable after all … and, not the only attraction in the NY area I want to see …

Niagra Falls has to be seen. We came close in 2012 but decided we just didn’t have the time, we should have made the time.

I guess far more of Asia needs to be explored too but I know so little about it. Dennis will have to help out there.