An emotional time (but I’ll get over it)

Me & Dad at his care home
Dad has been gone for some time now and, despite that we didn’t really get along I am missing him. 
Christmas was difficult as was New Year, both as he had been here the year before and the year before that and we had a good time.
Wednesday 15th is the day his flat is sold. It is the last tangible link to him. He never actually lived there, though that was the intention. His dementia suddenly got very bad and unmanageable at home just weeks before the completion of the sale so we instead got tenants in and used the rental income to part pay the care home fees.
It was a very nice care home, Dad wasn’t happy there but then, Dad wouldn’t have been happy anywhere, that was Dad. 
My feelings right now and all over the place and I have been feeling quite down, it’s like the final goodbye.
I don’t know if you feel like this but somehow I feel different now that both my parents have gone. Sure, part of it is my feeling that it’s my turn next, that generational position in the family, I could do without that but mainly it is that my connection with a huge chunk of my past that perhaps even I don’t remember properly has gone. Not that Dad, bless him, could have been much help on that front over the last years, he barely knew who anyone was. I think he knew he could trust me at the end (last July) but not really sure who he thought I was yet … there were some days when he proudly introduced me as his son … another sign that the dementia was in control as this is something he would never have done when he was healthy!

Dad’s little memoriam area at our place

His mind managed to resurrect many long since dead relatives, I went along with him mostly except when it was obvious he knew that something wasn’t right. It really isn’t fair to remind someone that a person they cared about has gone. Pleasantly he had forgotten that my mum had gone and often used to ask how she was and if I could ask her to visit at some point. He said he thought that somehow he had upset her but couldn’t remember what he had done. That’s really quite sad.

I am confident we made the right choice not to have a traditional funeral. The family is so fractured with so many strong views that we didn’t feel the need to go through that. Both Essex and Northampton did there own thing locally for what felt right for us. Thankfully me and my sister were and are in agreement on how things were handled. We had been through a complicated enough funeral when our mum died with two funeral receptions arranged by different factions of the family. This time we had to get it right as we were not going to get another try at it.
For both of us I feel that the sale of the flat was the final closure for us. It is 6 months after he passed but selling was a little trying!

I am very glad he got to meet Dennis a few times in his final years and they got along, that made me really happy. Of course, everyone gets along with Dennis!
End of an era and I guess 87 isn’t too bad … had he only not left mentally many years earlier.

First Post of 2020

This is a really insignificant post if I am totally honest .. and I generally am.

I didn’t set any new year resolutions, not really my thing and mainly because I know life has a way of happening differently.

Updates as to where I am in 2020. I am now parentless, it happens. I was very lucky to have at least one parent survive into my 50’s and still so ever so sad that my mum never got to know the real me at all. That finality happened last year so this is the first year of me being at that next level, in other words, the next generation expected to die! Let’s get real, it’s the way life is and we wouldn’t want it anyway, parents should die before their children, they just should.

My health condition has continued to get worse, no connection to the previous paragraph this, just how things are and I don’t expect it to kill me, just make life more difficult than I would like. Certainly it is fair to say that I need to make some changes but with my limited choices, I don’t much like those changes! Trying to get that balance between my longevity and my enjoyment of life is a challenge.

I’ve got to make some positive steps for my future over the next few months. I cannot keep being a victim of the State system, I have to find a way to make it work for me and that’s nowhere near as easy to do as it is when I am fighting for others. So far I am in the situation where for each two steps forward I am a step back again for one reason or another. It is very frustrating. I can say that I feel my country is not the country I grew up in. Back in the day we used to complain if we had to wait an hour for our GP to see us, now we have to accept that we may not get an appointment at all or we must wait several weeks for a telephone consultation. Same with the police. 999 doesn’t work any more, there is very little real protection. Even if we can get the police to take interest we are expected to get the evidence ourselves if we want them to proceed, it’s all about cutting costs. Social Services just insisted on my Zoey doing a voluntary job (don’t worry, we’ll overturn that one). There is no benefit to her doing this, she doesn’t want to and it wouldn’t work for her. She’s actually at a very delicate moment having just come off all her meds and the only logical reason to suggest it is so that social services can cut her care budget. If she goes and does ‘work’ then she doesn’t need a carer, saves them money, screws up Zoey but, the money part is the priority they have to work by.

I can categorically say I am not suffering from depression and mainly not anxiety either. That said, when my body just stops functioning when I am out and about, that’s quite an anxious moment. It happens all too frequently as well.

My body clock is screwed, it’s 04:17 right now and I don’t feel very sleepy at all. Annoyingly, even if I force myself to stay away all of tomorrow to compensate it won’t make any difference! It’ll still be me into the wee small hours trying to sleep!

Ironically, this was meant to come across as positive because I still feel positive about life yet, somehow it reads really negative. Perhaps I just do my most positive thinking in negative situations? 🙂

Christmas Spirit

Finally it seems to be sinking in to me, I am ‘feeling’ Christmas!

Last night my sleep was crazy. I went to bed a little earlier than I normally do as I was so terribly tired. I don’t remember getting into bed and lost a whole 15 minutes before I was unable to sleep for another 2 hours!

The Disney Store have wound me up a bit. I ordered some gifts last week. They gave me a two hour delivery slot and didn’t turn up. The next day I got an email in the evening to tell me they’d posted my order through the door whilst I was actually in the hallway. Of course, they didn’t because it could never fit and so started contacting Disney. Turns out, and I don’t believe a word of it, my package never left the depot but they ensure me it’ll be here within 48 hours!

This evening I also forgot that there is a gift missing for one person because I totally forgot to order it so … will have to go remedy that one very soon.

Been to see two nativity type things and loved them both. I was supposed to sing but I just wanted to enjoy watching and listening. Contrary to the two this year, I don’t normally get to go to these things.

Would like to plan a trip to Europe next year but because we’re leaving the EU next month I now have no idea whether or not Dennis can get a visa for Europe!

Yuppie Flu

What is ‘Yuppie Flu’?
Here is a web search answer:

There is no virus called Yuppie Flu. It is a name given usually to a disorder called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Conditions usually are called a “Syndrome” when the underlying cause of a cluster of symptoms seen similarly in multiple patients has not been identified yet. This is the case with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. If you don’t know what is causing it, you don’t know what would prevent it. So, there is currently no prevention.”

Many don’t much like the condition being called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome either because it implies that ‘tiredness, albeit severe, is the only symptom and, it isn’t.

Let me break that down for you because most can barely say it and even if they can, it just doesn’t shout out what it is. It is the proper given name to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is broken down into:

Myalgic is used for muscle pain and/or tenderness. The word encephalomyelitis means inflammation of the central nervous system, which is made up of the brain and the nerves of the spinal cord.

I bet you are glad you had that explained to you so, let us begin.

Let me get one thing very clear here, it affects each person unique to them so it is not right or fair to make a grouping of type for the condition. The range will be somewhere between mild discomfort and feeling rather sleepy to severe and/or changing pain which can be anywhere and everywhere of the body and change daily if not hourly. That coupled with debilitating tiredness.

To my shame I can say that back in the 80’s I was known to refer to Yuppie Flu as poor middle classed buggers looking for an excuse not to work.
How things can come back to bite us!

Sleep is not helpful. By this I mean, it matters not whether or how much I sleep I never feel better. Let me clarify that. Let me use a 
metaphor…
Imagine your phone battery being on 20% when you go to bed and not putting it on charge, it remains, if you are lucky, at 20% but might actually be 10%. When it gets to 5% or less shutting down is imminent.

That is a hopefully useful way to describe how I feel after sleeping. Every moment of every day I have a desperate need to sleep … running on 10% battery. Occasionally, on some days, I might find my energy at 20% briefly and get all excited and think that this is a really good time to catch up on all those things my tiredness stops me doing except, like with the phone, that 20% is only going to remain for a short while even if you don’t use it … if you actually do use it you’ll kill the battery in no time and when it’s gone, it really has gone. 

How does that feel I might hear you ask if you remain interested at all?
Its panic mode, I shake, I struggle to think, to absorb information. Physically moving becomes very difficult or impossible. The only safe space is in a bed. Imagine you’re having a really important Skype chat then you see the battery is about to die, what do you do? You have 10 minutes of things left to talk about yet only seconds to get your phone to a charger!
Trouble with the analogy is it suggests there is something which gets the battery to 100% again, there isn’t at all.
It might be presumed that the energy level only rapidly depletes when I am physically doing something, sadly not the case. Even concentration can drain my energy to zero.
Then there are the random nonsensical pains. We like to think if we are in pain we can think of a time where we overdid it a bit so that’s the cause and it will inevitably get better over time. With M.E. this might be the case but, most times there is no cause and likely no real cause of the pain, it is my nerves telling me I have pain in a part of my body which is not actually injured. For several days now I have got a very random shoulder/chest pain. Most of the time I feel nothing and then I feel like I just got stabbed with swear level excruciating pain. 
When I move so many muscles hurt I cannot really narrow it down. I go to get up and it’s like my brain is sending the signals and my body is ignoring them. I eventually fight through that but I am not stable, I can and do fall or, most likely, keep staggering until I harshly bash into something solid. That’s regular, I mean many times every day.
My physical confidence levels are at an all-time low. Holding a cup I always feel like I am potentially going to lose my grip.
Mentally, what is it like?
I sometimes wonder if I am going totally loopy the things I do. Put this in context. You already know I am crazy tired all the time so, think how you act when you are overtired. Would you say you are firing on all cylinders or you are in autopilot mode?
It is very common for me to forget to take the medication I have in my hand. Just one small distraction and the moment has gone, the tablets are back on the work surface and I am elsewhere. Making a tea for more than one person is horrible. I have to really concentrate on every stage of it, nothing it automatic. I look at the containers and read the word ‘tea’ and ‘sugar’. I have to choose cups carefully to represent the person I am making for so I don’t get muddled up. I have been known to forget someone, often me. In my mind I am making this drink for 3 other people and I make 4 except, somewhere during the process I just remember the 3. To make matters worse, I may not even notice until ages later when I realise I am really thirsty.
I was trying to maintain ‘normal’ sleep patterns, bed before midnight, up by 9am … doesn’t work. One of the symptoms I also get is insomnia, I either sleep or I don’t. How I feel has nothing to do with it.  Even if I sleep right away I am awake again maybe 2am and am hurting too much to sleep again so need to take some medication for the pain. It’s often then 5am before I return to bed able to try again. I sleep then (probably) … until gone midday! Sometimes, I just randomly wake up at 8am or that sort of time, it isn’t consistent. Forcing myself to get up doesn’t work. Back to our phone analogy, the battery is still dead. I am not going to function. I can go through the motions and often do but I am not really in charge of my mind and body. Often I will wake up again an hour or so later with my legs dangling out the bed having gone to sleep again during my attempt to get up. I really won’t risk driving feeling like that. Sometimes I have done, it has been unavoidable and it is just one of the scariest things ever. I will avoid that situation whenever I can. My plan is to switch much of the driving onto Dennis once he has a licence. 
With careful pacing I can rest for some days doing near nothing then be able to drive a distance. I will always plan into that a sleep the other end as a precaution. After making that effort I then get stabbed in my back as I become incapable of anything for a couple days afterwards.
If I go to a social event it is so difficult to remain awake no matter how much I am enjoying it. Even going to the cinema I have often slept through some really good films. I don’t even realise it is happening. My eyes hurt with the strain of keeping them open and then they are closed and I sleep.
Right now is around 1am, I am mega tired. I got up today at 11:30 I think it was and forced myself to stay awake. I forgot to have lunch. I had a friend over and was just struggling so much not to let him see how very tired I was … I even got him to make drinks so I could at least shut my eyes for a while. 
Body temperature fluctuations … I imagine many women going through or who have been through the menopause understand how horrible it is. I assume it is what I am experiencing except that there is no male equivalent to the menopause. At 5°C I can still go out in shorts and t-shirt. That or I am freezing with my jumper and coat on. At normal house temperature of around 20°C I’m sweating, physically getting Prince Andrew soaked sweating (that might be too topical for you). There is nothing consistent about this either. I am sitting here, the room is 21°C and I’m sweating from the waist upward and my legs and feet are feeling a chill whilst simultaneously feeling hot!
That’s an overview of the M.E. so, call my a Yuppie!
As if this was not bad enough I have Urticaria, a skin condition. It means any pressure on my skin will likely become a hive which is a raised and very itchy experience. Alternatively, whole areas of skin become inflamed. I have learned not to touch it because it makes it worse. My head, if I don’t get my hair cut really short like I need to do now, has spots all over it which makes me feel like I have fleas! (I don’t). This is caused by the pressure of my hair sitting on my head, how crazy is that?!
On top of this I have Allergic Rhinitis which is a more internal respiratory problem. Symptoms can vary loads. I may just randomly sneeze a few times, feel like I have a bad cold, struggle to breath or have flu like symptoms or any combination. Thankfully it isn’t triggered by nature so flowers and pollen are fine; it is just about most other chemicals with perfume being way near the top of the list. I went through loads of tests and sure enough, the cough I have had (which also keeps me awake) for over a year is rhinitis related, I am coughing because of, most likely, perfume within the home. I am not going to tell the household to stop doing what makes them happy, some consideration would be nice such as not in the same room but everyone is entitled to their own way of living and if that means I have this cough then that is how it is. Cheap paint fumes are way up there which is why it looks like I am a lazy bastard who always leaves anyone else to do the decorating. I want the change; I don’t want the associated illness and have been known to move out for the duration of the decorating.
Invisible illnesses like this are so easy to dismiss, so easy to say, yeah, I feel like that sometimes and belittle the condition … people say “so, you just feel a bit tired then?”
They give well-meaning advice like getting plenty of exercise not realising that moving about makes these things so much worse. Doctors blame it on anxiety or depression because I admit I feel those things. Even though I tell them that it is my health problems causing the anxiety and depression they still smugly insist I am just muddled because I am depressed! Honestly, if you had what I have, you’d eventually have some really shit feeling down days too!
Why do even experts know so little?
Because there is so little research done on it. Because of the Yuppie Flu label it has for years been dismissed as laziness and excuses. There is no known proven cause and certainly no cure as yet. It is just easier to treat symptoms. Indeed, what else can be done? If doctors still believe it is ‘all in the head’ (which in many ways, it is), they treat it like a mental illness and recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] (effectively acknowledging with help how I am living my life all wrong) and graduated exercise [GE] which, as I mentioned before, actually makes it considerably worse, there are no remedial benefits for me in that albeit there is a clear health benefit which seems totally pointless if I cannot get out of bed for long enough!
Most counties in the UK do not have a specialist in this at all. The closest one to me is around 50 miles away and they specialise in CBT and GE! Even they are apparently not updated enough to recognise that this is no longer recognised nationally as an effective treatment so, what damn hope do we have?

Financial Support

It is very debilitating but … because it is so little understood and has so much associated prejudice it is nigh on impossible in the UK to get disability benefits for it. I am already on a hiding to nothing when I cannot supply any corroborating evidence to support my claim other than my GP who still insists on calling it CFS, at least one step up to Yuppie Flu. She says that is all she is obliged to do, confirm my diagnosis.
I used to have a consultant for my skin; he left the county and was not replaced. I get no treatment for my rhinitis from a specialist; it was diagnosed when I was 20. 
Did I mention, it also affects my already crap hearing. It is like I cannot focus on what is being said. Everyone else follows it but I am just baffled. I can hear it; I just cannot focus on it. Imagine you can hear it is Bohemian Rhapsody but you can’t make out the words or even whether or not it is Queen or Panic at the Disco! Trust me, I feel pretty stupid!
I know I have written about this before but, I just think it helps to explain why I don’t get out much these days, why I am not apparently making an effort to visit some really amazing friends that I have. It is because I really am not sure I am comfortable with arriving, having a tea then asking to borrow a bed for a few hours with everyone I know, just a tiny select few. It also hopefully explains why the notion of paid employment it not a viable option. Interaction with people is one of the most energy zapping things I can do and when I get to the end of that 10% battery life I can and often do sound like an idiot. In many ways I can see the funny side but … it isn’t funny, not really.