I remember there was a TV programme about helping the police catch criminals. At the end the presenter would always say ‘Don’t have nightmares’. The explanation was simple … Just because we know there is bad in the world it doesn’t mean the world is bad. The World is basically a good place full of good people. Sadly, too many of those good people are led by powerful people desperate to hold on to their power whether they be dictators or religious leaders. Too many (mainly men) demanding obedience (or else).
In 17 US States it is legal to marry off underage girls, no lower age limit if they are pregnant. So against the threat posed by their church are the parisherners that they would rather marry their daughter to her rapist than to bring a bastard into the world. I saw a guy interviewed who got a 14 year old pregnant when he was 24. He said he was no pedophile because pedophiles went for like, children, under 10. Translation of that is, any girl over the age of 11 is fair game. He married the girl, they got divorced and clean away with rape with the agreement of her father! I know, it is shocking but, most places are not like that in America. For every member of the Westboro Baptist Church there are hundreds or thousands of good, decent people who value everyone equally.
Remember, for every Muslim terrorist there are thousands of peace loving Muslims out there. For each Sultan of Brunei there are world leaders embracing diversity.
Every street might have a noisy, anti-social neighbour but, they don’t make an area bad, it is the good ones not getting to know each other that lets the bad ones shine.
We need to let go of our stereotypes and get to know people before making judgements. No nation can be held responsible for the actions of a few, no criminal makes us all criminals.
Of late it is tempting for me to believe I have been really rather unlucky. I have a mountain of debt, my health is awful. I can’t work, most days I barely function, these things are all true. If I wanted to I have enough things I could highlight to demonstrate that the world hates me but … does it?
My mum would argue that she had arthritis because she had the strength to cope with it and if her having it meant other less strong people didn’t have to, then it was OK. That’s a way of thinking about it for sure.
Some would claim that eventually Karma will recognise all the good I have done and luck will head my way because life has to balance out the good and the bad … yeah, that’s another viewpoint!
Again, some might say that “we make our own luck”. A valid point to be sure but, hmmm, not quite sure that’s how it works either.
My thought is that I am what I am. What I am makes me who I am and what I do with that is up to me.
“I love you granddad” … how precious a gift is that? “Dad, I love you”, wow, priceless. “Dear, I love you”, I am floored by the miracle that is. Having someone say “I love you” is what makes us a success or a failure. It isn’t how much money we have, what we do for a living, they don’t really compare.
Why do we ask people ‘what do you do for a living?’ as though somehow this defines them? Why not ask “What do you do in life?” or “What makes you happy?” Both those are significantly more important if we are honest about it.
I would rather give what energy I have to those I love, it makes my life worth living.
Let’s get this totally clear … we already know where we have been in life but we certainly don’t know where our life is heading.
The trouble here is, we spend so much time worrying about where we are going we tend to forget where we have been. When we choose to remember we then tend to cloud it with our negativity to where we think we might be going. We focus on the bad things which have happened in our life as though that is somehow the sum of our lives this far … is it really?
We may have an ex we would rather forget but, does that mean we have to forget all the good times we had with them? Perhaps someone died and it hurts so we try not to think about them but … that thinking is what makes our love for them real, what keeps the memories alive.
Some people go as far as to use their bad experiences as an excuse for why their life is going to be bad. Hey, you choose your path now, no one else is in the driving seat. Only if you allow the bad memories to dominate can they dictate your future. So, perhaps everyone so far ‘always’ says “no” so we don’t ask any more. What is that except an excuse which denies your future the right to hear “yes”?
Sure, we are going to get negativity thrown at us throughout our lives, illness, disappointment and bad luck. Learn from it, don’t let it define you. Brush yourself off and remind yourself, you have people who love you, you are worth something!
I was just listening to the radio and they were discussing the human ability to lie to ourselves, to honestly believe we are honourable people who never lie yet continually have one part of ourselves convince another part of something which is actually untrue.
How many of us are shocked when we see a picture of ourselves?
This is because when we look in a mirror we have already convinced ourselves what we look like so, more or less, that’s what we see. In those nano seconds before getting the image we already converted it. In the picture we seldom get that warning and see the reality which can come as quite a shock!
How about our voice?
Isn’t it amazing how often you hear your own voice and barely recognise yourself or even go as far as to blame the equipment for in incorrect capture of our voice?
Both these examples are the same thing, the perception we have of ourselves are the one we have convinced ourselves to be true. Reality often comes as quite a shock. Whether that is pleasant or not depends on the individual.
The point here is, we don’t even recognise our own differences with accuracy. OK, part of us does which then lies to the other part to create the false perception. This being the case, how accurately can we judge others?
We know there are laws which allegedly force us to acknowledge diversity and actively move toward embracing it but, if we can lie to ourselves about our own differences, how can we look at a job candidate and not do the same thing?
It has been proven that taller men are far more likely to get hired and promoted than shorter men. It’s not intentional, we just lean that way without realising it, it’s inbuilt to do so. Attractive people are more likely also to get on easier in life than the less physically gifted.
Women too are different to men in their perceptions. A man will perceive size and age as a strength, even a threat (and as such, worthy of positive opinion), woman will value other women similar to themselves and see any taller or shorter as ‘too different’. None of this we realise doing.
Many older very qualified people will be overlooked for younger people and this is reflected in the age of the interviewer too. What we do not realise is that for the first several decades of our life, age difference matters, we don’t realise this to be true but it is. Our 5 year old may insist on being 5 3/4 because such a differential between them and ‘just’ a 5 year old is important. They don’t know why it is important but it is. To a 10 year old, without any reasoning at all, 20 in ancient, to a 20 year old, 40 is ancient and so on. None of this is considered, there is not real reasoning, it is just how we’re programmed.
A company might try and employer an equal number of men and women and achieve that but, in so doing, they will still go for the subconscious preference. Instead of diversity, what they actually have is a company full of the same kind of people. This is all the more the case when it comes to a single position rather than hiring a group … let me explain. If a recruiter is interviewing for one role and they get it wrong, that’s their head on the block. If they interview for 10 and 2 of them go rogue, that’s down to natural selection, normal statistical probability. Therefore, the recruiter is going to play it safe when looking for just one person and edge toward the familiar.
An example you can understand.
Magically I am giving you a budget to buy one car. This will be your only car and you have children … I can tell you that you are going for the compromise vehicle, it ticks all the boxes, not perfectly but you will be happy with your choice albeit that it really isn’t as sporty as you might like, isn’t as fast, is more economical and so on.
Let’s try this, I’ll double your budget, you can get two cars …. what do you get? Two identical cars to the first one because it was such a good choice or, one being the reliable MPV and the other being the two seater sports car? Of course you don’t get your first choice at all because, in reality, that wasn’t the choice you wanted, it was the safe choice.
In the real world of employment we know that this means employees are mainly chosen for their lack of difference, not their diversity at all. If this were not true, every company we entered would have a far broader range of employees than they actually do.
Sure, over time differences appear as people naturally change. All those people who looked much the same a decade earlier now look quite different. Some will have gained weight, some will be more stressed or whatever way they have changed but this is an accident, the employer will still be replacing those who leave with the same familiar and safe sort of person.
Not all companies do this, of course they don’t. There are exceptions to this rule, Google for example! Those which do unintentionally discriminate are losing out on a certain type of difference. They are lacking the differences which make us humans better to more broadly relate as individuals to other humans.
It’s a very complex subject and as psychology fascinates me, I thought I’d engage with it.
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