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‘Safe’ sex and HIV


Is it safe to have sex with someone who is HIV+? It can be, it is certainly totally OK to have a relationship with them and love them totally.



It has to be remembered that everyone who is HIV+ got that way because they didn’t take precautions. Sure, some just didn’t care, they fucked whoever they wanted to hell with the consequences, that’s a reality, both men and women.

I’ve never told anyone this before but, the very first time a guy fucked me (when I was drunk and sleeping), he didn’t use anything. He didn’t know his status, he didn’t care what his status was. By the time I was aware what was happening it was too late. Truth is, I was raped yet I did nothing about it because he was my friend, I trusted him and I was stupidly naive. I did get myself tested and I was OK but, he didn’t know that, he didn’t care. I could easily have been HIV+ myself now because I trusted someone.

I was later in another relationship, it was an open relationship but we had rules, no sex which involved anything which had risk. That time I got an STD from my partner, he trusted someone, I trusted him, I don’t blame him for it, he made a mistake, he learned something.

In a committed relationship I had unprotected sex again, quite a while into the relationship he admitted to me he’d not been tested, he’d never mentioned it before, I assumed this was the case. I knew my status, I knew I was clear. Again, he learnt a lesson and so did I, don’t blindly trust!

Had I become HIV+ I may well have been rejected by people, blamed for my condition but, it isn’t fair to do that. Women have become HIV+ because they trusted a man. Men have become HIV+ because they trusted a woman.
I am glad this man was caught and sentenced. To knowingly infect someone is just sick. To allow someone to get infected because you personally don’t mind either way is sick.

I support my friends who are HIV+, so few deserve the illness. Still years later so little is known about it despite all the campaigns people still are either paranoid thinking they’ll get it from sharing a toilet to those who feel it’s impossible for them to get it because they only do ‘safe’ sex.
Fortunately, being HIV+ is not the death sentence it was, men and women fortunate enough to get treatment are living good long lives. They are just as much deserving of love as anyone else.

Was I a saint? Am I claiming that I have always been a victim, never taken a risk? It looks like it for sure but, being brutally honest, I think I took stupid risks too, we must all take responsibility for our own actions. Sure, being raped was not my fault but I made other choices which could have put me at risk. I am proud to say to the best of my knowledge through regular testing I never put anyone else at risk, not that I could really justify the tests but I preferred to be 100% certain.
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Don’t have Nightmares


I remember there was a TV programme about helping the police catch criminals. At the end the presenter would always say ‘Don’t have nightmares’. The explanation was simple … Just because we know there is bad in the world it doesn’t mean the world is bad. The World is basically a good place full of good people. Sadly, too many of those good people are led by powerful people desperate to hold on to their power whether they be dictators or religious leaders. Too many (mainly men) demanding obedience (or else).





In 17 US States it is legal to marry off underage girls, no lower age limit if they are pregnant. So against the threat posed by their church are the parisherners that they would rather marry their daughter to her rapist than to bring a bastard into the world. I saw a guy interviewed who got a 14 year old pregnant when he was 24. He said he was no pedophile because pedophiles went for like, children, under 10. Translation of that is, any girl over the age of 11 is fair game. He married the girl, they got divorced and clean away with rape with the agreement of her father! I know, it is shocking but, most places are not like that in America. For every member of the Westboro Baptist Church there are hundreds or thousands of good, decent people who value everyone equally.





Remember, for every Muslim terrorist there are thousands of peace loving Muslims out there. For each Sultan of Brunei there are world leaders embracing diversity.





Every street might have a noisy, anti-social neighbour but, they don’t make an area bad, it is the good ones not getting to know each other that lets the bad ones shine.





We need to let go of our stereotypes and get to know people before making judgements. No nation can be held responsible for the actions of a few, no criminal makes us all criminals.





Sleep well, don’t have nightmares.


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Lucky – One man’s luck …


What is luck?





Of late it is tempting for me to believe I have been really rather unlucky. I have a mountain of debt, my health is awful. I can’t work, most days I barely function, these things are all true. If I wanted to I have enough things I could highlight to demonstrate that the world hates me but … does it?





My mum would argue that she had arthritis because she had the strength to cope with it and if her having it meant other less strong people didn’t have to, then it was OK. That’s a way of thinking about it for sure.





Some would claim that eventually Karma will recognise all the good I have done and luck will head my way because life has to balance out the good and the bad … yeah, that’s another viewpoint!





Again, some might say that “we make our own luck”. A valid point to be sure but, hmmm, not quite sure that’s how it works either.





My thought is that I am what I am. What I am makes me who I am and what I do with that is up to me.





“I love you granddad” … how precious a gift is that? “Dad, I love you”, wow, priceless. “Dear, I love you”, I am floored by the miracle that is. Having someone say “I love you” is what makes us a success or a failure. It isn’t how much money we have, what we do for a living, they don’t really compare.





Why do we ask people ‘what do you do for a living?’ as though somehow this defines them? Why not ask “What do you do in life?” or “What makes you happy?” Both those are significantly more important if we are honest about it.

I would rather give what energy I have to those I love, it makes my life worth living.


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Invisible Illness


Learn Something Today




Whilst I do have an invisible illness this is not just about me. So many people have an illness we can’t see and most of them share the same experiences in their lives. Short lived sympathy, well meant encouragement and disbelief.





This is true for so many … including me




I think we have all done it, we’ve been either sick or healthy ourselves then seen someone who isn’t working, perhaps claiming financial support and we’re like …. yeah right, looks like they’re ill!

No one intends to be mean about it but, we just don’t think. I know I have been guilty of it myself and I should know better and, this is why …





My Mum!




Mum had chronic arthritis. I had many stern comments to say to people on trains who left her standing whilst they sat in the disabled seat but mum was in constant agonising pain every day for the last 20 years or so of her life. I have lived knowing what invisible illness looks like so, yes, I should know better.





One of the things people might say to mum was “Oh yes, tell me about it, I have such pain with my rheumatism, you have no idea”! Now, true, to them it was bad pain but it didn’t compare to mum but she always took it graciously.





The truth is, even two people with the same diagnosis can have hugely different symptoms and degrees of severity. It simply isn’t right or fair from one sufferer to say to another that they do this or that so if they are copied then someone else will cope too, we are not the same.





Because it doesn’t




Why should we expect our lives should ever change whilst we are young and healthy? Mum died at 52, I am fast approaching 56. We just never know what ‘old’ is for us, we don’t know what cards life is going to deal us until we get them.





It is really upsetting to someone bravely suffering to imply that they might be making it up, they might be lazy or expect the state to support them.





“You’re too young to feel like that.”





“It’s all in your head.”





“Everybody gets tired sometimes.”





“Your pain isn’t real.”





“You’re cancelling on me again?”





“I’d like to lay in bed all day too but some of us have to work!”





“Well, you don’t look sick.”





Don’t judge that which you do not understand





The worst part is, sometimes the very people who say it have an invisible illness themselves. They might sufferer terrible migraine, anxiety or depression and, to them those things are totally real. It is no good telling your migraine that it is all in your mind and expecting it to go away!





Let’s get real, if it really is all in the sufferers head, wouldn’t they rather imagine they were wonderfully healthy full of bounce and vigour? Why would someone choose to struggle on a little income if they can choose a good job and big wage packet?





Why do women make this mistake?




Many women each month go through something quite unpleasant and to the outside world, entirely invisible yet, many may well expect and be given time off work for it and extra understanding from those around them simply by saying “It’s my time of the month”. Why can these ladies not understand how hurtful it is to tell someone they’re making it all up?





Next time you are confronted by someone who tells you they have an illness you don’t understand find difficult to accept, give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them. You don’t ever have to fully understand it but, one of the greatest comforts is having those closest to us tell us we are believed.