HWA

I become more convinced each time I explore the actions at the Berrywood Hospital that their actions are negligent to the point of abuse.

They are ignoring the plan they were given by the LD team making statements that no one tells them how to run their wards! That statement from someone who is not LD trained, on the day in question, neither was any other staff member LD trained.

Zoey is being left not monitored for over an hour at a time. Her bed is soiled but no one is changing it. She’s been diagnosed with a urine infection but because she is refusing antibiotics, this remains untreated, she is sectioned remember. Under a section 2 order someone can be medicated against their will except in extreme cases such as ECT. There is no reason on this planet why Zoey is not having her infection cured other than negligence.

When I asked the head nurse the other day whether they were being slow in offering treatment in the hope that Zoey would be moved elsewhere she replied that she believed it was not the best place for Zoey … now if that doesn’t answer the question with a resounding ‘yes’ I don’t know what does!

It’s clear she doesn’t neatly fit in with what they are used to and they want her gone.

It’s disgusting, it truly is.

Important meeting tomorrow to discuss these issues

Last night, being alone in my house, I thought I’d say some prayers out loud, I mean, normal conversation loud rather than those late at night whispers.

I’m not stupid, I just asked for life to go a little easier on me, allow something good to happen without the hell to over compensate for it.

Feeling pleased with myself that I felt comfortable praying out loud I sat down to watch TV and realised I couldn’t focus on it at all. Then I realised I actually could barely see the TV! So, first signs of a migraine, great! Managed to control that with medication.

Today, cooking dinner, couldn’t smell the wonder aroma of a Sunday Roast at all so went down to investigate, the oven wasn’t working!

Thankfully, we have a top over, a fraction of the size but it still works so, dinner is getting cooked now.

Am just wondering, I mean, I didn’t even ask for a sign that anyone was listening, I just trusted. Is the answer really that I am meant to always have to work so much harder than anyone else would, pay a far greater price for every pleasure than others seem to? Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate all the wonderful things in my life but, really, do I need all the stress as well?

Basically, I am confused how this all works.

At least for a while.

There is only so much I am able to take and whilst Zoey is somewhere she is being looked after, I don’t need to go there to be abused, I am taking a short break.

Quote from Zoey:

“fuck off and leave me alone you bastard” …

She said quite a bit before that but this was after I was explaining they were going to start making her get better there. Trying to let her know that we love her dearly and actually don’t have much say in anything any longer. All I could do was let her know she’s loved and I can’t do anything more to get involved in her care, it’s up to the professionals now.

If there is anything positive it is that they finally got to comprehend the level of comprehension and communication skills Zoey has. They can’t pretend she just doesn’t understand any longer.

I got the distinct impression I’ve been taken out of the loop. They don’t have to consult me so they won’t sort of thing. An advocate is being brought in now too, seems my opinions are not valid enough.

After screaming her insults to me, Zoey was quietly escorted to the arts and crafts room to do some fun activities. I cannot even start to say how that made me feel, how I still feel.

The situation with Zoey doesn’t look to be resolving any time soon. I have to stop burying my head in the sand and hoping it will all go away and life will get back to normal. I’ve got to face my worst case scenario.

Zoey isn’t coming back and Sean & Daisy may well be moving out.

Annoyingly, I didn’t quite clear all my debts yet, stupidly close and, if things don’t change it’ll be fine but, things have changed and most likely will change more.

Zoey’s benefits stop on October 4th, that is in just a week and a few days time. Once that happens, all is not lost but I am struggling. I’ve switched my Caring role onto Robin as he says he needs me about but, doing that has cost Robin £40 a week, I need to make that up to him, he might say not to worry about it but that isn’t good enough. ‘I’ need to sort that. By the end of October the car gets cancelled too. I am trying to remain positive whilst being realistic too.

I could wait it out, Zoey might get better this side of Christmas and everything will ‘eventually’ be OK. Regardless of anything else I am going to the Philippines, the ticket is booked with no chance of a refund and I’d not cancel it anyway, it means everything to me getting to see and be with Dennis even if it is just for a few hours every day. Whilst I am there I have to make a decision. Do I just tighten my belt to a level the maths doesn’t really work for or, do I try, at my age, to go get a job?

If I opt for getting a job, the only real option as I can see at the moment I need to get one and get one with the prospects to have me earning some £20,000 by 2017. If I start down that road then, realistically I am saying that Zoey cannot ever come home again. Of course, I am 52, what are the chances of my getting a job at my age? I guess I shall have to find out. That’d be £9.80 an hour … hmm, I am just going to have to find that something! If Sean & Daisy move out I could also find a lodger, that’s potentially another £3,500 a year. On the off chance I can get someone to hire me at all and the job has prospects, I’d be doing OK eventually. Sure, for a couple of years it’d be a struggle but I’d be OK. When Dennis comes here and starts earning, we could live very comfortably indeed.

Oh my …. writing it down there it seems my mind is already decided. Either Zoey is home by Christmas or, she most likely doesn’t come home unless I fail to get a job! That sounds terrible, really uncaring but … dammit, she was never going to stay living with me forever anyway and it’s always my intention to get a job some time in 2017 too, it’s just going to bring forward the inevitable and, perhaps, with all this attention, at a time when she’ll get the best deal.

In the meantime, I might have to adjust my plans for immigration and the Philippines. If it all goes wrong I can’t keep paying money into our account over there, I will just have to find out what the minimum we could get away with is for a successful visa. Perhaps we’ve overestimated. I might have to ask Dennis to get some reliable advice from over there, here is likely to be too expensive.

Whatever is thrown at me here, I am resolute about one thing, my future is with Dennis, even though he’s not physically here, just knowing he’s out there loving me helps me get through each day. If God is telling me anything it is that I should not ignore what I have been given. I know very few people more connected to God than my very good friend Steve C and it was he who told me to follow my dream and go out there in November, perhaps he too was sent to guide me. There is no point in saying prayers each night if I don’t follow the signs I am given.

If Zoey can and does get better and playing it safe remains and option then, nothing lost, if not, I think I shall rise to the challenge of restarting my life after 23 years of full time parenting and caring.

Dennis, don’t get worried about this, you are part of the solution, not the problem. We have to have faith that things are going to unfold if we stick together and find a way ourselves. xxx