HWA

I am told Zoey is showing signs of improvement. She is eating more, she is … well, I am not entirely sure what else precisely it is she is doing above and beyond that.

She is barely drinking and her blood pressure is constantly low. She is in effectively a nappy (diaper) now because she’s decided she doesn’t much want to use the toilet any longer. She is still screaming at people and being violent when it suits her.

Most of this I know from what I am told.

Just about every time I am there I get virtually nothing and, why do I get virtually nothing? Because of ‘Susan’. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nurse and probably a really good one. She’s been doing her job for many years and, so I am told, does manage to get Zoey to do things. The thing is, whenever I am visiting I don’t get to spend any time with Zoey without this woman being involved like she’s family. Every time I try and talk to Zoey she’s listening and comments when she feels the need. I am using my years of experience with my daughter to encourage her to interact with me and this damn woman is suggesting I perhaps get her to drink something! I spent 40+ minutes with Zoey earlier with her facing the wall away from me laying down in bed. I just started to get her smiling then she turned to face to me as though she was about to say something and in comes Susan, sits herself on the chair next to me and says excuse her coming in but she really wanted to hear Zoey speak just to hear what she sounds like! Zoey immediately turned to face the wall again, moment lost. Each time I’ve visited recently she’s been there and it’s driving me nuts. I don’t want anyone there feeling bad because I’d worry then that Zoey wasn’t getting their best attention but, at the same time, it’s making me feel all the more like utter crap!

Just lately it feels like I am unable to help anyone. I also feel stupidly alone. You know, I want someone, not because I’ve asked but because they thought about it, to ask me out for a coffee. But, that’s not happening.

There are issues going on in my life here, serious long term issues I need to work out which affect the direction the rest of my life goes in. If Zoey doesn’t come home and soon, I have a serious problem. My main focus is that Zoey gets better, I love her to bits, she’s my daughter but, I’d be totally mad to ignore the consequences of the timing right now on me. If she doesn’t come home then, my next couple of years have the potential to be the most difficult and challenging of my life with no guarantee of success.

If only the Philippines had recognition for same sex relationships, grrr.

So, one aspect of my life is the best ever, the other is absolute mess up.

Clearly everyone wants me to answer that Zoey is doing great we’re all optimistic and life is good. Sorry to disappoint you. Right now I feel like I am losing my second child to something horrible and I can do nothing about it.

Keep praying people x

After my causing a huge fuss on Tuesday Zoey was finally moved to Berrywood Hospital in Duston.

She stayed over night in Harbour Ward for assessment but tonight she moved over to Bay Ward to start the much needed treatment phase.

I have zero idea what that entails at this stage, communication is a little patchy so I need to find out who I should be contacting for updates.

To the best of my knowledge she is eating, not sure how consistently but she’s eating and occasionally drinking too. Am totally unsure if she’s using the toilet as she should be yet though.

She’s had two visits today, this morning from Me and Daisy and this evening from Matt & Anne. Both those visits were good ones where Zoey was laughing and smiling.

They are more strict here, it’s not a case of just wandering in so, if someone wishes to visit, please let me know and I’ll give details, make sure someone else isn’t already visiting then as they have a strict 3 visitor maximum. If anyone wants to take under 18’s then they have a family room but this needs to be arranged in advance.

We decided to take the boys back to see Auntie Zoey this morning, they were looking forward to it.

She gave them an initial hug but said nothing. A quick smile and that was that.

We spent 40+ minutes with her during which she didn’t engage at all. She responded to her name, knew we were talking to her but didn’t vocalise at all. We eventually left and Danny was crying because Auntie Zoey wouldn’t speak to them.

They’ve also learnt that not eating and drinking leads to death and both the boys were really concerned that Zoey still refuses food and water.

In short, both me and Daisy felt stupidly guilty for taking them, I think we both knew it would be a risk but had to try it.

We were called yesterday and ‘maybe’ a placement has been found for Zoey at Berrywood which is not so far from here, just under 2 miles. ‘If’ she goes there then it will be on Monday. I really don’t have much confidence in the system at this stage.

Had a lovely chat with Dennis.

For oily skin try this Site for we know who.

This afternoon I must confess the boys have got a bit much for me. No ones fault, just kids being kids. I am in need of some reasonable quite time, I’ll settle for muffled 🙂

I thought that my ability to cope was second to none. You know, yeah, shit happens but it doesn’t phase me, I’m good me.

Earlier on, this woman visits, a nurse type, quite nice and she’s here an hour or so talking about what her and her team are going to do for Zoey and it’s all good. Then she starts going on about how we’re coping, how difficult it must be, how we really need support at this really difficult time and I’m thinking … Eh? No, I’m good thanks, I don’t need anything, I am dealing with this shit, this is water off a ducks back to me, autopilot stuff.

So, she left but then I started thinking and remembered that thinking isn’t what we do when we’re in this situation, thinking is bad. But, I allowed myself to think for just long enough to start wondering if I was coping OK and, it was a little scary when I realised that … Despite my outward appearance (I think) of dealing with this all rather well, I might actually, just possibly, be doing a hell of a lot of internal screaming.

Now, that thought didn’t last so long but, clearly long enough to unsettle me and I don’t got time to get unsettled.

Reality is, Zoey was never going to be the one I had this huge issue with. Everything seemed smooth sailing there, nothing that I couldn’t easily sort out given some time. So, where did this come from?

Just when I think I’ve got things under control, I can see where this ship is heading, I go and hit this iceberg!

Don’t get me wrong, I am still 99% coping really well, there is now, thanks to this nice lady, that little questioning voice which wasn’t there before, just that tiniest of little squeaks making me question some of my decisions. Hmmm. I still think the glass is half full but I am questioning the structural integrity of the glass now!

It’s quite funny really, I am smiling as I write this. The total contrast between what is likely and what I am still convinced will be the outcome. I still cannot accept an outcome where this all goes tits up.

Thankfully, because I’ve always had this quiet faith I don’t really speak about, I am left feeling curious wondering what is going to happen I’ve not yet thought of, it’s almost exciting. I cannot believe I’ve got to this point just to lose everything.

Anyway, just thought I’d share those thoughts with you.

For the record for Friday, I am planning on being able to spend some quality time with Dennis tomorrow. Though I sometimes doubt whether I deserve Dennis or not and I wonder how on earth he can have any feelings at all for me, I don’t question how I feel about him. How he feels about me I can’t change and have no right to question, he may well wonder why the hell I love him to bits too! People are such a funny species!